"I'm from the government and I'm here to help"

Infinite Monkeys puts words to something that's been on my mind for a few days now.

"a human bone was found that revealed a 100-year-old cemetery underneath the zoo"

Alabama's Birmingham Zoo reinvents self, raises funds.

"a scattering of faintly menacing monkeys"

Visit Sri Lanka, see the sights. Forget that you ever heard of Tamil separatists, apparently.

"the controversial "orang-utan boxing show" would most likely be axed"

Safari World retains their 110 orangutans pending government findings, emoluments. (I think "axed" is used figuratively.)

"When we heard them calling, we came running over"

Animal planet films lesser apes at Nashville Zoo's Gibbon Islands habitat.

"in front of the open bedroom window armed with a long stick"

Yet another story of monkey home invasions in India.

"the zoo provides televisions so the gorillas have something to watch"

Gorillas at Nebraska's Henry Doorly Zoo said to enjoy watching humans.

"He also straps macaque monkeys to their backs and has them race around a tiny track"

Proprietors of PA Lebanon Area Fair reluctant to deep-six mule high-diving act. Humane Society of Lebanon County, "activists", complain.

"officials attended an ape fight on Wednesday"

Thai forestry officials visit Safari World, announce plans to DNA test boxing orangutans, to demonstrate that they were smuggled from Indonesia.

No word on whether somebody else is getting a DNA test.

"I don't want it to be trivial"

ex-Sex Pistol gives over €150,000 to chimpanzees.

"These animals could be fitted with detonators or similar devices"

India's presidential palace, Parliament House, government offices and ministerial bungalows infested with monkeys.

We cannot even take any drastic steps against them. Then animal rights activists will be after our lives

Ready to nuke Islamabad on short notice, but scared of monkeys and treehuggers.

"Sapporo District Court turned down the suit filed by the Japan Anti-Vivisection Association"

Japanese court OKs transfer of Maruyama Zoo monkeys to Primate Research Institute of Kyoto University.

"first born son of mother Maimunah and father Santan"

Orangutan's first birthday celebrated at Melbourne Zoo.

"called for a tourist boycott of the park"

International Primate Protection League demands an end to mock boxing matches for orangutans in Thailand.

"Our vote: Mary-Kate and Ashley"

Florida's Parrot Jungle Island to introduce and name female fraternal twin orangutans on Saturday.

"The area near the children’s playground was cleared to make room for the activities"

Marketing.

"Monkeys are to be shooed away by the forest department"

Taj Mahal to be tidied in preparation for 350th anniversary celebration.

"Mr. Zubler however did not give any promise"

Swiss Ambassador to Ghana inspects Boabeing-Fiema Monkey Sanctuary, expresses approval.

"not only in case of dog bites, but also to patients bitten by monkeys, foxes, jackals, cats and even rats and bats"

India's Guru Tegh Bahadur Hospital runs out of rabies vaccine, other area hospitals nearly out, too.

Update: Just a coincidence, really.

"an experienced monkey minder is assigned"

Indonesian monkeys nutmeg fiends.