Monday, December 31, 2007

Goodbye, Nonja

Nonja, 55-year-old Sumatran orangutan, believed to have been the world's oldest, dead at Miami FL's Metro Zoo.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Goodbye, BiBi

BiBi, 39 year old female gorilla at Tennessee's Knoxville Zoo, dead of uncertain causes.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

“grey-shanked doucs”

Rare monkeys over-run Vietnamese backcountry.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

“suffering serious or fatal injuries”

Chinese manufacturer gives US hunters a push.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

“Swing sets, monkey bars and slides”

Unregulated playground equipment is decried.

“He's looking great and feeding very well”

Australia's Taronga Zoo has a new baby gorilla.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

“Presents for Primates”

Monkeys and apes at Tampa FL's Lowry Park Zoo get their presents.

Friday, December 14, 2007

“Those things can jump, you know”

University of Minnesota raises the curtain on the Minnesota Monkey Pit.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

“They're my favorite”

Gorillas boffo hit at L.A. Zoo as Angelenos, starved for entertainment, turn to writerless fun.

Monday, December 10, 2007

“peaceful, cooperative and matriarchal”

Bonobos: like the Democrat party, but more so. A prey species.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Saturday, December 08, 2007

With video

As humans have learned, this monkey in India learns its purpose in life is as a servant to cats.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Thursday, December 06, 2007

“boisterous, confident and happy-go-lucky”

Mixed fruit and nut cake for Kivu the gorilla's 5th birthday.

“pregnancy would be too dangerous”

Northern Ireland puts Delilah the gorilla on birth control for her own good.

“world's oldest fertile gorilla and orangutan in captivity”

Germany's Matze and Charly, gorilla and orangutan, to test whether fifty is the new forty.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

“the chimps won”

Chimpanzees rule at game-show level memory tests. Soon chimpanzees will make Alex Trebek redundant. (Thanks to Sissy Willis)

Sunday, December 02, 2007

All the News that Fits....

Monkey-meat lowers the tone of the Paper of Record.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Refreshments were served

Returned “Taiping Four” gorillas fĂȘted in Cameroon,

Friday, November 30, 2007

“The monkey's name was Phyllis”

Alabama man gets back his monkey, still named Phyllis. Phyllis the monkey.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The Insurrection begins!

Baboons raid Saudi Arabian capital. Imagine: toothy monkeys now control the world's largest petroleum field.

Put Up or Shut Up

You're free to spend your own money on it, ya know.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

It's a way of life!

At The Monkey Tennis Centre, archbishop in a burqa.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

“moving to Des Moines”

Democrat presidential candidate Chris Dodd flees Connecticut.

“a great danger to the organized labor movement”

Kentucky legend the Parkes Monkey: monkeys at work in Kentucky's rolling hemp fields.

Monday, November 19, 2007

“Nuclear-armed monkeys”

The MediaBlog spills the beans (or bananas!) on the red flag of simian revolution.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

“Li Bao”

Gibbon christened.

“Monkeys are wreaking havoc”

Monkey gangs dominate northern India. “The state government has formed a panel to study the problem”

Friday, November 16, 2007

“in harmony with nature”

Real estate column, blighted by monkeys.

“cancer-causing monkey viruses”

Twoofers aren't the only nut-jobs. A new take on a classic conspiracy obsession.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Monkey shortage averted!

Scientists announce monkey-embryo cloning success. World rejoices.

“where did it come from”

Donut-eating undocumented ape haunts the Florida back-country.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

“Bad times -- probably very bad times -- are coming”

Nanny Bloomberg dips toe in the water for independent Presidential run (followed by appointment as Hillary's Transfat Czar).

Monday, November 12, 2007

That Corvair thing was a crock, too

In typical Google news “blast from the past” fashion, we're treated to prediction by astute political commentator Ralph Nader of the then-impending victory of Ned “What Me Worry” Lamont over then-and-current Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman.

“rogue animal”

Bloody monkey rampage reported in New Delhi.

Update: Collared.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

“We're talking evolution”

Hitting all the tourist traps on the Scopes Monkey Trail.

Friday, November 09, 2007

“A warrant is out”

Monkey-stealing charged in Missouri.

“a high-level alert”

Texas ensafened by capture of dangerous research chimpanzee.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

“Aqua Dots”

An exciting new poison from China for the kiddies in time for Christmas.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Short, tasteless


No Great Surprise, Really

What's “Smarter Than Liberals”, at Weasel Zippers.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

“A lot of nonsense has been written on the subject”

Fritz de Waal to address “Our Inner Ape&rdquo.

Smelled right!

Would-be stoners in Pennsylvania mistakenly steal monkeys, have mom return same.

Monday, November 05, 2007

“a $2 million federal grant”

Trouble brewing as Santa Claus, IN, adds “$1.7 million monkey-themed attraction”. Details of attraction unclear, I predict jolly elf vs. monkey knife fight.

With the Grinch's dog. Everybody loves that dog.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Friday, November 02, 2007

Thursday, November 01, 2007


Meet the Flying Lemur, which doesn't fly nor is it a lemur.

I question the timing!

Oct 20: Deputy Mayor of Delhi, India, killed by rag-tag renegade band of Rhesus macaques.
Nov 1
: American scientists announce successfully decoding Rhesus macaque DNA.

No word on trial run of artificial assassin-monkeys?

Just business, nothing personal

China against the world. (Tip to Protein Wisdom.)

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Goodbye, Washoe

Washoe. famous signing chimpanzee, dead of natural causes at 42 years of age at Central Washington University.

Influenza implicated.

Update: Cruel, but fair.


The first time I saw Frank Zappa perform was 9/23/1972 at the Felt Forum in NYC. Soon. the next day, recorded at the Music Hall in Boston, will be released.

Update 10/06: In my hands today!

“a family history of feces flinging”

An inflatable gorilla's experience to the ER is documented at Emergiblog.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

“baboon crime”

Baboons enforce their demands for rights, reparations at the People's Cube. (H/T to Sissy Willis)

Monday, October 29, 2007

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Goodbye, Mamu

Mamu, 37-year-old ring-tailed lemur, dead of undetermined causes at Colorado's Pueblo Zoo.

“Initially the parents were worried for their son's safety”

Disaster is foreshadowed: monkey babysitter.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Thursday, October 25, 2007


Instapundit links to this story of the search for the skunk ape.

“just a few thousand dollars”

Conservationists warn of imminent peril for primates. Regrettably, conservationists say their funds are all spent, so saving the primates is on you. Rotten luck.

“and roasted them on the spit”

Looking back to a simpler time, in Spain, when running over monkeys was commonplace.

“oddly unafraid”

Adventure holiday in Rwanda, with gorillas.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

“most professional monkey catchers are illiterate”

More of the same medicine prescribed as New Delhi monkey menace continues.

Yapping from the left

Chomsky or chimpsky?

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

“a week early than expected”

Chimpanzee born at New Zealand's Wellington Zoo

“big, big trouble”

Left in the cold by Nobel Peace Prize lobbying, is this the year Jane Goodall releases her chimpanzee armies to kill us all?

“They're at the bottom”

As much as you wanted to know, at least, about lemurs, in Moreau, NY.

Monday, October 22, 2007

“plague of monkeys”

Deputy mayor of Delhi dies after monkey attack in rooftop misadventure.


Saturday, October 20, 2007

“Sumatran Orang-utan Conservation Program”

Temara, orangutan from Australia's Perth Zoo, deported to Sumatran jungle.

Friday, October 19, 2007

“an ad he placed seeking spanking partners”

Life for killer of Man in the Yellow Hat.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Amazing discovery

Google says Monkeywatch favorite Silfray Hraka is the top hit for paralytic drunk kennedy.

Or from singer poor to Sinatra

From Singapore to Sumatra, they're writing sternly-worded memos on saving orangutans.

“Gorilla Inc”

Chinese-built ladder stands recalled. Look out below!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

“fans making monkey noises”

Cricket, motor racing suffer racism charges.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

“a nursery nurse”

Monkeys puzzled by theft of tree from front garden in UK.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

“6,000 parts per million”

Man in the Yellow Hat suffers lead poisoning, Environmental health officials baffled.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

“A means of connection”

Recipient of MonkeyWatch awe, N.Z. Bear of the indispensable Truth Laid Bear, has opened commercial media tool Kithbridge.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Headlines in the News

I originally misread this as Useless Space Monkey Invented. Admittedly, misreading is commoner, yet less amusing, since my stroke.

"No throwing grapes"

Grape stompers at Reno, NV's, Great Italian Festival entertained by Hobo the Monkey.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Still awaiting the withering away of the state, I think

Max Planck Institute of Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig, Germany applies some dodgy economic theory to chimpanzee behavior.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

“Thirteen animals have been stolen”

Maltese cross as Animal Park at Razzett tal-Hbiberija is burgled.

“the Freedom of Information Act”

The contagion-filled sky is falling! It's George Bush's fault, apparently.


Killing a monkey is expensive.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Saturday, September 29, 2007

“It wasn't really like an escape”

"You'll never build a cage that'll hold me!" snarled the un-named spider monkey, but within 20 minutes keepers at the Dallas Zoo had proven her wrong.

Friday, September 28, 2007

“a woman and her pet monkey”

Rash of Missouri monkey-bitings now at two.

“I was never given a clue”

Soi-disant Bright Richard Dawkins auto-mocked in coming intelligent design propaganda movie Expelled, No Intelligence Allowed.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

“still has nightmares”

Girl injured in 2003 Franklin Park Zoo gorilla attack testifies “too scared to run”.

Update: $175K sleep aid.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

“high levels of lead”

I don't think Mattel is taking the blame for this.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Shame, shame!

Senate votes against Moveon Petraeus slander. Roll-call here (Dodd pro-slander).

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

“a fistful of nuts”

Thanks to Sissy Willis for mailing this story about Democrats stuck in the monkey trap.

And They Watched Her!

Princess Anne amuses herself with a day of gibbon-watching.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Monday, September 10, 2007

Sucks to be you

Osama late to the dance, losing out to Rage Boy in lucrative “next Che” T-shirt market.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

First victory for Bin Laden tape!

Southwest Airlines to mandate burkha policy for female passengers.

Gives BDS sufferers a complex

Trinidad & Tobago's Bush Bush Island, ecotourism in the sun.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

“for what I have caused”

Senator Craig defends his heterosexuality, intends to hold his seat, demands an apology and a reach-around.

“could damage a child's organs if swallowed”

Mattel looks to pay the price of doing business with Chinese slave-masters.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

UN stands by, offers recipes

Guerillas meet, eat gorillas in the Democratic Republic of Congo.

Friday, August 31, 2007

“a brain like a chimpanzee's”

Lucy takes Houston by storm as docents union fusses.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Monday, August 27, 2007

“reminiscent of Karl Rove”

Eddie Perez, leftist mayor of Hartford, CT, disappoints fellow travelers. It seems he's been stealing from the rich and keeping it.

Friday, August 24, 2007

(Also, weird kissing noises)

Kenyan monkeys make inappropriate hand gestures at local humans, apparently.

Chororapithecus abyssinicus

10-million-year-old species of pre-gorilla found in Ethiopian scrub.

Monday, August 20, 2007

“I did not evolve from an ape”

He's sui generis  and he's proud.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Maybe it's not Incompetence?

How much before you say boycott?

Friday, August 17, 2007

“harsh measures”

Series of meaningless show-trials promised as China seeks coverup of deadly quality issues.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

“a crafty alligator”

Is Oliver the monkey implicated in the escape shenanigans of Reggie the alligator?

“I'm tired of chasing a monkey”

Tupelo Zoo keepers played for fools by Oliver, the often-escaping monkey.

Gimme Back My Monkey!

Maryland woman fights city hall for monkey's return.

“Clouds are that 800-pound gorilla”

Newsflash: Debate not so settled, Al.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

"Goodbye and good riddance"

Nancy-boy John Edwards issues the phrase that'll follow him for all time, along with that photo of him gazing into the compact, mesmerized.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Doing jobs that humans won't

Pacific Northwest to host hordes of defective chimpanzees.

Goodbye Donge

Donge, 22-year-old female lowland gorilla at Canada's Calgary Zoo, euthanized after long illness.

Made in China is like skull & crossbones

More fears about toothpaste, toys. China constructs crap, too.

Friday, August 10, 2007

“Kheti Bachao Sangrah Samiti”

India's monkey-menaced farmers search for someone to do something.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

I'm picturing chimpanzees loose on the lanes

Embracing stereotypes, Iowa's Great Ape Trust wins as charity Bowlathon for Great Apes is a $20,000 hit.

“the little bitty ol' monkey”

Oliver the monkey home safe and sound in Tupelo, MS.

Monday, August 06, 2007

"How come the public has no inkling about this?"

Australopithecus  fossil Lucy now touring the US.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

They call him the iceman

Ferrari driver Kimi Raikkonen startles Hungarian paddock dressed as a gorilla.

Friday, August 03, 2007


Buffalo Park and Zoo in Tupelo, Miss. is missing a monkey.

“de Waal got it mostly wrong”

A defender of bonobo morality is found. Surprise: it's straight arrow Dinesh D'Souza.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Tonedeaf, with a bullet

Harry "Who Me?" Reid: Drop Dead! to Minnesota. (via Lileks at

Sissy Pomade will be subsidized, tho!

In a fit of pique, Elizabeth Edwards declares you'll have to farm your own strawberries and cream, and carbon-free too, if you want to eat, come the revolution.

“Fisher-Price to Recall Nearly 1M Toys”

When you buy anything, remember China makes crap.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

One monkey's question

Why have Democrats kept silent on unsettled warmonger Barack Obama and why haven't they revealed his plans to attack friendly governments?

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Friday, July 20, 2007

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Goodbye, Fifi

Sydney, Australia's Taronga Zoo mourns Fifi, a 60-year-old chimpanzee.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

“The creature stole his glasses”

South Korean tourist in India files charges against thieving monkey.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007


Humans first walked upright 'to save energy,' scientists say.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

“tainted hummus”

Sampling Iranian delicacies sickens over 100 in Chicago.

ring-tailed lemurs unharmed

Zebra gunned down in Texas drive-by.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Monday, July 09, 2007

“some bugger wants me for dinner”

Ewan McGregor attracts unwanted attention while making gorilla documentary in “Democratic Republic of Congo”.

“seized more than 900 poached monkeys”

Monkey-poachers in Malaysia suffer a loss.

“flung a huge rock”

Cameroon gorilla acts for all humanity.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Earning PMRC offsets

Al Gore, on a contact high, insists that entertainment celebrities pissing fuel away on “Live Earth” is politically sound.

“hysteria in Al Gore’s schlockumentary”

Ice drilling in Greenland dissents from Al Gore's unanimous consensus.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Cheez Whiz?

City of Brotherly Love makes room for more gorillas.

“at the lemur exhibit ”

A tree grows in South Carolina then it lands on a three-year-old.

“Maybe they were planning on building an ark”

If they'll steal monkeys, they'll steal kittens.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

“grey-shanked douc”

Scientists discover “the world's largest known population of the endangered monkey species”, endangered still, like world's tallest midgets.

Monday, July 02, 2007

“bitten an actor on the set”

Chim Chim not a happy chimpanzee, PETA alleges.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Thursday, June 28, 2007

“the verbally active Asian ape”

Gibbons at the door planned for an expanded Fresno Chaffee Zoo, taxpayers willing.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Friday, June 22, 2007

“eldest child's IQ”

Like every other oldest, I endorse this science.

“It was easy to find a reason to take legal action against Van Roosmalen”

Dutch monkey researcher Marc van Roosmalen neglects to get his Brazilian monkey license, remembers to get his Brazilian monkeys. 14 year prison term awaits.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

“A doctor's office can be a scary place”

Pediatric clinic distracts patients with live streaming video of Minnesota Zoo gibbons.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

“We have to ask ourselves what is going on here?”

Paris Hilton steals attention from manbearpig's marketing initiative.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Saturday, June 16, 2007

“without looking like surrender monkeys”

You say &ldquoPull and Strike&rdquo, I suggest Yank and Crank, it's a wash.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007


One hand washes the other as Connecticut acts to protect crooked politician's pensions.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Scientists think they're so smart!

Chimpanzee at Kenya's Sweetwaters Chimpanzee Sanctuary reproduces despite contraceptives.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

“Children = howler monkeys”

Behind the Counter disapproves of children running loose in his store.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Friday, June 08, 2007

“at the Bronx Zoo”

Gorilla mother and baby in this livescience feature.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007


Well, this'll be fun.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Saturday, June 02, 2007

“stealing cat food and defecating on the porch”

Vancouver suffers monkeys and friends on the loose.

“abusive or neglectful situations”

Monkeys with issues at Arizona's Keepers of the Wild.

‘63.5 million hits for "monkey"’

Houston entrepreneurs bet against Google.

“apologise in advance to all monkeys”

Hounds of blogwar loosed as Bulgarian and Macedonian factions post ugly.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Brother Theodore would've been so proud!

Orangutan ancestors walked upright then went back to the trees.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

“Most people have never seen a lemur before”

Lemur opportunities at Duke.

“All children should be on leashes”

<shrug> I was an NYC kid, I had a harness & leash</shrug>. I've never felt kinship with a San Francisco zoo before.

“an orthodox Marxist”

Dear stupid leftist, we understand Hitchens is an atheist. Here's a clue: he's not the only one. It's a big tent over here. You keep Dawkins, we'll keep Hitchens, we'll call it a mutually beneficial arrangement.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Goodbye, Julia

Julia, 37-year-old female gorilla at Calgary Zoo, dead of liver disease.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

“ciprofloxacin and enrofloxacin”

Chinese mad poisoners press for wider loopholes. Free Tibet.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Fugu You!

Via Silfray Hraka, Chinese mad poisoners still hard at work. Free Tibet.

“Bush and Rove”

We lost because. Democrats fake documents to prepare for inevitable 2008 election loss.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

“chewed through her cage”

Stun-gun solves orangutan escape attempt in Taiwan.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007


Rotterdam's edgiest gorilla now a trademark.

“diethylene glycol”

Via Doctor Anonymous, Chinese mad poisoners strike again.

“makes no apparent sense”

Now that the usurious tax chickens are home to roost, governors are revolting.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

And inside, it's delicous!

Aegyptopithecus, our pinhead ancestor, had a lime-size brain.

“becoming a voice for animals”

Opportunity for exotic pig-pickin'

“her monkey Armani would not be returned”

“Gimme back my monkey,&rdquo Maryland woman pleads, to no avail.

Monday, May 21, 2007

“humans' closest relatives”

Like humans, apes use gesture to communicate. It's unclear whether their repertoire includes “digitus impudens”.

A socialist, I bet

Human Ancestor Had a Pea Brain

“monkeys who specially target children and women”

Private enterprise bails out the government in rounding up menacing monkeys. (They've still got a lot to learn).

“they know they're going to have some fun”

Monkeys at German zoo love them some clown.

“Infected squirrels and a rabbit”

Plaguey, albeit dead, monkey at Denver Zoo.

“the gorilla demonstrated particularly aggressive behaviour”

Amsterdam's Diergaarde Blijdorp zoo to to tell their side of the story of the gorilla escape. The gorilla, presumably, has his own press conference scheduled.

“but this my job”

The monkey-catcher's complaint".

Friday, May 18, 2007

“He suspected the animal was bullied”

Four injured in Rotterdam as gorilla escapes Blijdorp Zoo. No word on how stoned he was.

'a "surrender monkey" named Hobo'

Right-thinking monkey taunts the traitor, Harry Reid.

Ever seen them eat?

Why Connecticut gets no respect.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

“trademark infringement”

Ben & Jerry sued over Chunky Monkey.

“no primates, no wild animals and no predators”

Star dog trainer enforces “no monkey training” rule. (If you'd have asked me, I would've guessed dogs would be predators. Shows what I know.)

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Aegyptopithecus zeuxis

Our most shameful ancestor: the pinhead Dawn Ape.

Monday, May 14, 2007

“the species lemur catta”

Spain's lemur census increases.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Now you can build one from scratch

Genetic recipe for rhesus monkey is ready. Be the first on your block!

Thursday, May 10, 2007

“Mr. Monkey is home again!”

Brooklyn band “The Violets” is reunited with their mascot.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

“not a source of amusement any more”

Monkeys beseige Indian town.

“type II neuropsin”

Genetically speaking, chimpanzees are stupid, just as you suspected.

“by God's grace we are a happy family now”

Couple in Andhra Pradesh, India, adopts monkey as their daughter. Tom Tancredo remains silent.

Florida monkey-napping!

Four “men” stole a companion monkey from a mentally disabled woman in San Mateo, FL. Police investigation continues.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

“unclear whether the baby gorilla would be called Steve”

Rwandan authorities to name baby gorilla in honor of Steve Irwin.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Friday, May 04, 2007

“20 million chickens”

Chinese poison scandal widens again. Recipients of Chinese largesse keep mum.

“We're not talking about the right to vote here”

Austrian trouble-makers demand that people with jobs pay for chimpanzee “human rights.”

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

“this was a protest”

Sandmonkey follow-up on Hyscience.

“no recall”

Chinese “petfood taint" reaches US human food supply. FDA insists there's nothing to see here.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Individually and as a group

They'll roast our stomachs in hell. We've heard this before. Iraq's National Resistance and their pals in the US can both fuck themselves.

Silly us!

We Westerners see insects or monkey's brains as weird foods


Sandmonkey hangs it up.

“routinely added to animal feed”

Boycott China, free Tibet.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

“deceptively strong”

Kiefer Sutherland fears orangutans. Also copy editors.

“returned to earth safely”

04/28/1959: monkeys in space.

“We imitate the birds and monkeys”

Ecuador's Andes Manta hopes to attract new listeners.

“some monkeys moved out to their summer area yesterday”

Spring comes to North Dakota.

“kind of ruined the Earth”

Land of steady habits invaded by Jane Goodall.

Huh. I didn't even know she was sick!

Portland OR has a Jane Goodall Environmental Middle School. Chest-beating trumps reading, I betcha.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

“transferred to an upstate New York zoo”

Tennessee's Memphis Zoo now gorilla-less.

“like China”

Would-be monkey scheduled for ritual abusiture by PETA.

“easily identifiable”

Brooklyn band The Violet Hour loses toy monkey Mr. Monkey.

“terrified of a monkey once”

Renfeild finds a fellow diner in India.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

“driving with an obstructed view”

Eager policeman busts drug smuggler with toy monkey stuffed with hydrocodone, Xanax, and Soma, which smell like marijuana, it seems.

Goodbye, Tabitha

26-year-old female gorilla at Calgary Zoo dead after seizure.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Friday, April 13, 2007

“godawful cartoon”

Call issued to omit Chim-Chim from coming live-action Speed Racer.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

“which also owns Madame Tussauds waxworks”

Gorillas threaten to down tools at UK's Chessington World of Adventures.

“helps scientists retrieve data”

Zoo Atlanta orangutans to pwn with new arboreal computing initiative.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Snip, snip!

65,000 monkeys to get sterilised in India's Himachal Pradesh state.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

“tests are being run”

Pair of siamangs dead of undetermined causes at Kentucky's Louisville Zoo.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Maybe blame George Bush?

New York's Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park seeks to regain AZA certification.

“the animal was placed in quarantine”

Spider monkey flees Mexico City zoo, boards bus, attacks passenger, and is offered guest worker status by California.

Update: Not a monkey at all, a kinkajou! Red Cross can't tell the difference. No donation for you!

And that one's Ook-ook

Bonobos at Great Ape Trust of Iowa to name their trumpeter swan neighbors.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

“making two sins with the nature”

“Paper or plastic?” used to be without moral implications.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Monday, March 26, 2007

Sunday, March 25, 2007

“Mind of the Chimpanzee”

Jane Goodall attracts a pod of hero-worshippers at Chicago's Lincoln Park Zoo.

“problems with visitors harassing animals”

Quit smoking! chimpanzees at Trinidad and Tobago's Emperor Valley Zoo ordered.

Setting a Low Bar

A cloning experiment condemned a decade ago by President Clinton.

“and ended up fracturing his legs”

Attempted daring rooftop escape from menacing monkeys regretted. More tales of woe follow.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

“to meet an orang-utan”

You can always tell a glamor model, but you can't tell her much.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Tuesday, March 20, 2007


Dud vasectomy” chimpanzee outed at Chimp Haven near Shreveport, La. Try, try, again.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

“until I moved to a small, windowless room in the basement.”

Again, a newspaper columnist relates the hunting chimpanzees to memories of childhood Planet of the Apes nightmares. This one takes a dig at the Bush twins, for no apparent reason.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

He's a Beast!

Dutch zoos celebrate three gorilla pregnancies with the same father.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

small, angry men with hairy faces and burning feet

Our ape-like ancestors had short, stumpy, legs because prehistoric chicks dug it.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

“serious nightmares”

Columnist relives childhood “Planet of the Apes“ fears upon hearing of chimpanzees using sharp sticks for hunting.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Microcebus danfossi

Buying a species.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Call him Dr. Furry!

First human instances of pubic lice acquired from gorillas, depraved scientist asserts.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Marketing 101

If this monkey wanted to invent a food supplement, he'd choose a name that didn't sound like dog food.

Monday, March 05, 2007

“whose head is a philosopher”

Monkeys “rewarded” during behavior research suffer inhumane loss of dignity, says nutters in Switzerland's Federal Veterinary Office.

Friday, March 02, 2007

“I've never run as fast in my entire life”

English Rugby League player Paul Deacon menaced by Thai monkeys on honeymoon.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

“an absolute miracle”

Mountain gorilla birth recorded in Congo.

“feeding him every two hours”

Gollum, ring-tailed lemur rejected by mother, adopted by staff at Britain's Blair Drummond Safari Park.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

“Tigers start eating meat when they're three months old”

Indonesian zoo plays host to playful pals infant tiger twins and infant orangutan pair: “it will have to end soon“.

Recipe for orangutan with Rijsttafel  omitted.

“Zambrono and Tol”

Twin cotton-top tamarins born at Britain's Marwell Zoo.

Monday, February 26, 2007

“what a memorable visit”

The Senator and the gorillas.

“threw them at the crowd”

Bill the chimpanzee, elderly chimpanzee at California's Sequoia Park Zoo, keeps dung-flinging aim in practice with zoo-supplied snowballs.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Friday, February 23, 2007

“a scientific adviser to Great Ape Trust of Iowa”

Iowa State University anthropology professor claims to document chimpanzees using spears in hunting.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Saturday, February 17, 2007

“prosecution denied having any hand in the presence of the monkey”

Delhi monkey proves no respecter of the law.

“this beautiful Brazilian monkey”

The Philadelphia Zoo unveils a new baby golden lion tamarin. Standards of beauty differ.

Lophocebus albigena

New monkey species announced in Uganda quickly followed by announcement of its endangered status.


Two dead monkeys found afloat in water tank at New Delhi's All India Institute of Medical Sciences Cardio-Neuro Centre. Puts me right off my Cup-a-Soup!

Update: This story says “did not have any dead monkey in it” so maybe it was too good to be true.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

“looks like bear's hind paw”

Bigfoot believers climb on Spotsylvania apelike foot story a day late and a dollar short.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

“diseases, pathogens and deleterious substances”

Fate of 300 monkeys captured by the Delhi Government to be decided by Delhi High Court, India's Supremes say.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

“an ape that craves public attention”

Little Joe, Boston's now escape-proofed gorilla to go back on display. Nothing can go wrong!

Monkeys smarter than keepers!

The Los Angeles Zoo paid $4,500 to an expert in the ancient Chinese art of feng shui.

“this is different”

Coming soon to a zoo near you: animal sex shows for Valentine's Day. Would have wowed Caligula, I bet.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Without a monkey

A stake in the ground, presumably of interest to no one but me: TOS 2.0 was very good to me last night. I had to work, so all I could do was buy and hold for two episodes (The Immunity Syndrome and A Piece of the Action) without even an adjustment after reading EC results before WC ran. I chose to play very conservative, and, after reading the episodes at Memory Alpha I bought all the UHU I could. Best investment I could have made: CHP was fractionally higher but started at a higher price, so I couldn't have started with as much.
272k earned 624k and rank went up from #141 to #43. A useless endeavor, I know, but amusing, and well worth the (lack absence of) price.

Friday, February 09, 2007

“it's our heritage”

Hartlepool Monkey statue called for.

“Coming to the rescue of the monkeys”

Court in New Delhi insists on letting monkeys be monkeys. Don't stand too close.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

“to live in a monkey enclosure”

Contestants at zoo in China vie to survive “the lack of freedom the animals have”.

“they engage in a lot of sexual behavior”

Iowa's Blank Park Zoo to host Valentine's Day dinner / educational lecture on monkey mating.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

“It screeched bloody murder”

Unlike smoke alarms, a helper monkey requires no battery.

“He never even visited the island...”

"Monkeyfishing" fraudster confesses all. New York Times, not so much.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

“things couldn’t be going better”

Asha, gorilla at Colorado's Cheyenne Mountain Zoo welcomes a birth.

Monday, February 05, 2007


Gorillas at Tokyo zoo pelted with roast soya beans for good luck.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Such a strange flower

Jane Goodall, florist.

“promises to save people from simian terror”

Partisan monkeys to influence Indian state assembly elections.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

“died in 1958 of intestinal parasites”

The animals at St. Louis Zoo are old and getting older. (Which is good, when they stop getting older, then you have cause to worry.)

Friday, February 02, 2007

A dud vasectomy!

40-year-old chimpanzee gives birth in Chinp Haven shocker, despite apparent absence of fertile males.

The are Some Things Man was Not Meant to Know

Experiments on monkeys at the Medical University of Ohio violated protocols, says Stop Animal Exploitation Now, ad-hoc AR loons.

The Fix is In

Bears to win the Superbowl, says Oregon prognosticator, Inji the orangutan.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

“through May 13”

Goodall-themed 'Discovering Chimpanzees' exhibit opens at Miami's Metrozoo.

“they can be extremely vicious”

Fresno's Chaffee Zoo looks to furf out its aging Chimpanzee squad, including serial dung-flinger Bosco.

“at the original Nathan's Famous hot dog stand”

Boston general manager Theo Epstein, who owns a gorilla costume and, it seems, a mustard-stained tuxedo, married in secret ceremony

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Monday, January 29, 2007

Sunday, January 28, 2007

“it does not sound promising”

Australian monkey-impersonator plans one-man show.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

“stolen Monday from a chiropractic office”

Carving of Bigfoot swiped in Washington as crimewave continues,

“part of a European breeding programme”

Watching a young gibbon grow in Sussex .

Sunday, January 21, 2007

“space monkey”

“no one wins when youths choke themselves”, declares newspaper.

Monday, January 15, 2007

“keeping a primate as a pet is not a good idea”

Rabies shots for Louisiana boy in lemur attack.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Thursday, January 11, 2007

“to feature polar bears and seals”

Wine king Brown-Forman to add Glacier Run to Louisville Zoo's Gorilla Forest.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Exercise your right!

Don't blame me: I voted for Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Press.

Brachiation's best!

Science fiction author calls for humanity to abandon upright locomotion, return to the trees, for the sake of the Earth.

“it’s best we don’t monkey around with it at this point”

Officials say some things Man not meant to know as sinkhole grows in Springfield, MO.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Strictly voluntary, really

Australian plan: over the next month, 24 people will be locked up, six at a time, in the old orangutan enclosure at the Adelaide Zoo.

“it’s been urinated on, it’s garbage”

Your no-longer-needed fur coat can warm a rehabilatated animal and assuage your guilty New York conscience almost as much as using it to strangle a conservative judge would.

Stop me if you've heard this one

A thief wearing a gorilla costume walks into a Minneapolis store...

Monday, January 01, 2007

“enjoying a new life”

Spongebob the squirrel monkey celebrates the New Year.