Max, we hardly knew ye!

Bernie delivers a spanking.

“get its own plastic action figure”

There's not a reporter alive who doesn't need to hear about Christina Ricci being groped by a chimpanzee while making Speed Racer.

“save endangered orangutans”

Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd knows: subsidize it, get more of it.

“This baby is very important to us”

Calgary Zoo's baby gorilla in fine fettle.

“in Jammu, India”

Monkey teaches her adopted dog to brachiate in India.

No word on curing the cold, though

"Scientists at Leiden University Medical Center claim sequencing of female genome." Now they can try building one of their own!

“whether employee productivity enhanced by siestas”

Slackers head for the border as Canadian scientists hope to prove nap benefits

“'Gangster' monkey shot dead at Cambodian temple”

How that thug life look now, Bonzo?

Quick! Call Maury Povich!!

Big surprise in Switzerland as father of gorilla Chelewa is determined.

“weighed just 89 grams”

Welsh lemur is fostered.

“using brain signals”

The long-feared cross-breeding of monkey and SkyNet, paid for by your tax dollars.

“including children and women”

37 hurt due to monkey menace in India.

(They're not monkeys, they're apes)

First birthday celebrated for siamang Zain at Louisville Zoo.

“its nearly fatal flirt with freedom”

Escaped monkey in Germany darted, falls into river, is saved from drowning

“after going out to observe bonobo primates”

German biology student sought in central Congo.

Hylobates lar yunnanensis

Yunnan white-handed gibbon thought extinct, say Gibbon Conservation Alliance scientists and colleagues.

“baboons, lemurs and other monkeys”

New primate house to open at Indiana's Washington Park Zoo

“She can always outsmart me”

Veterinary technician reminisces about her career and about Koko the signing gorilla.

“an illusive ape like creature”

The search for 'mande burung' in India continues.

“black-and-white ruffed lemurs”

Good things come in threes at Sacramento Zoo.

“births of a host of young monkeys”

Bumper baby year declared at the monkey house of UK's Banham Zoo.

And so say all of us!

President Bush taken to task for failing to kick Mahmoud Abbas, China, Sudan, Hugo Chavez, Ahmadinejad, or Hezbollah down an ornate marble staircase.

“They did a lot of playing”

Gorilla Kingdom at London Zoo Zookeepers think that recently-arrived Jookie the gorilla may be pregnant.

“monkey's don't make good pets”

Former open-wheeler Tony Stewart has given his monkey to the Louisville Zoo. (Blame the apostrophe on the Courier Journal. Update: Apostrophe fixed, MonkeyWatch makes the world a slightly better place.)

“Give the money back, right now!”

Monkey-Boy Steve Balmer displays surprising agility.

“set out to destabilise the FIA”

F1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone warns commercial rights holder Max Mosely of serious consequences for annexing Sudetenland.

“the most dominant female in the group”

New-born western lowland gorilla at Calgary Zoo bonding well with mother.

“friendship, bullying and power struggles”

Now it can be told: orangutan mastermind a human!

“climbing its exhibit's windows”

I fear a coordinated attack: like California, Florida suffers an Orangutan escape.

Update: design flaw blamed.

“the ape was soon captured”

Los Angeles excited as Bruno the orangutan makes like King Kong.

Goodbye, Mugsy

17-year-old chimpanzee euthanized at Tennessee's Knoxville Zoo.

“important in the survival of the species”

Western Lowland gorilla born at the Calgary Zoo.

Update: good news.

“we’re not talking about monkey-poop coffee”

MSM looks into monkey news.

“Kwita Izina”

Twelve baby gorillas will be named in Rwanda.

“all over them like ‘ugly on ape’”

Mayor of Stillwater, OK., accused of sexual harassment.

“bit the keeper on the arm and foot”

Zookeeper at Britain's Blackpool Zoo suffers an attack by an orangutan escaping from its cage.

“unprecedented ”

Alzheimer's-like neurofibrillary brain tangles in an aged nonhuman primate, say Yerkes experts.

Speechless

A Rhesus monkey emulates David Hasselhoff.

“Monkey tastes like dog”

Or so they say.

St. Anthony's fire for breakfast

Small dead animals reports on panicky speculations of Claviceps purpurea and strawberries with your Wheaties!

“Police believe they have arrested the man”

Man in gorilla mask takes cash and trousers in Tennessee.

National Geographic loves a star

"Lessons learned from a chimpanzee".

“why subordinate females overeat”

It's stress that makes your monkey fat, researchers say.

“the need is critical”

The National Zoo, in Washington D.C., has inadequate sprinkler systems, officials say.

“things are bound to get a little more testy”

Blank Park Zoo imports Japanese snow monkeys to breed with locals.

Goodbye, Jocko

Spider monkey at Greater Vancouver Zoo, killed by monkey-nappers, is remembered.

“at their wits end”

Pakistani thieves use monkeys in commission of their crimes, police say.

“Cincinnati is synonymous with gorilla births”

Zoo Babies is presented at Ohio's Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Garden.

“Kebara and Penny won't breed with Mwelu”

Tennessee's Memphis Zoo arranges for feminine companions for 21-year-old male gorilla Mwelu.

Since they're otherwise just idle

Scientist advocates using college undergraduates for mind tests.

“bars inspected include Three Legged Monkey”

States not to go for a drink: Texas.

“hernias, male nipples, impacted wisdom teeth, flatulence and hiccups”

You'll never convince any one with this stuff, I don't think. It plays well with a subset of the already-convinced, though.

“with a frozen fruit cake”

World's oldest (probably) gorilla in captivity celebrates her 55th birthday today at the Dallas Zoo.

“I'm not a monkey fan”

Christina Ricci looks back on monkey gropage, unfondly.

“heartless vandal”

At least one monkey killed at Greater Vancouver Zoo.

Update: They always get their man, it used to be said.

Update again Necropsy done.

Goodbye, Mzee Nkuringo

Elderly mountain gorilla silverback dead at Uganda's Bwindi Impenetrable National Park. Meanwhile new-born doing well.

I Smell Parody

I know all the smart bloggers are on this story on Switzerland's latest folly on "plant rights", but I don't believe it: I think it's a sarcastic comment on this bit on "animal rights".

“chronological variants”

Neanderthal not like us, scientists say.

“tangled in the umbilical cord”

Canadian pet shop with a taste for the bizarre rescues newborn lemur with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Breaking monkey news!

2 of the runaway monkeys caught in Florida.

Trachypithecus obscurus

Australia's Adelaide Zoo welcomes a new Dusky Langur monkey.

“originate from Japan”

As winter tries to end, a rare snow monkey is born at Minnesota Zoo.

“perhaps you are a dull person”

Nim Chimpsky: The Chimp Who Would Be Human gets a positive review.

Just a thought...

There's nothing in the constitution that says that both Obama and Clinton can't run for President. C'mon Dems, twice as many chances to win!

Update: I think someone's listening.

Cercocebus atys lunulatus

Rare monkey born at London Zoo.

Update: All Britain's abuzz, it seems.

“the most deadly diseases known”

Scientists warn: sick apes contagious to you!

“have not been able to capture them”

Pro from Dover called in to catch Florida's renegade monkeys.

Paranthropus boisei

Did this ancient hominid fancy nuts and seeds or did he prefer softer fare?

“It could be days or weeks before they are caught”

Florida monkeys no closer to capture, but big talk underway.

What matters most...

in Switzerland.

“monkey thieves”

I bet no such thing happened. I don't think a monkey'd touch Ashlee Simpson's wardrobe!

“monkeys have injured visitors”

When in Pakistan don't tease the monkeys.

“the fastest primates on earth”

Florida monkeys boast: catch us if you can.

Update: built like greyhounds.

“a negative can't be proved”

Ohio woods crowded with Bigfoot believers. I blame Ben Stein.

“swam every day”

Florida monkeys remain elusive.

Update: Monkey's strategy: Divide and conquer.

“It's heartbreaking”

Monkey-theft traumatizes Canada's Cherry Brook Zoo.

Update: Safe and sound.

“inbred clans of traumatised monkeys”

Years after the collapse of the Soviet empire, the monkey gulags are still up and running.

“The Budongo Trail”

Edinburgh Zoo will soon open the largest chimpanzee enclosure in the world.

Florida held hostage as monkeys run wild

Zoo surprised: they can swim?

Update: This is highly unusual behavior for monkeys

“swam across the moat”

Untold numbers of Patas monkeys loose in Florida.

Update: Apparently it's an even dozen.

“new problems for malaria control.”

In today's the sky is falling news: monkey malaria

“appear to be in good health”

Both missing marmosets found in Florida. An area man is being sought by police.

“damaging rainforests”

Greenpeacers in orangutan costumes pester UK Unilever sites about palm oil.

“miserable life as a merchant navy mascot”

Party-boy chimpanzee rehabilitated at Edinburgh Zoo.

Gorilla gorilla diehli

Splitters make room for spectacularly unpopular gorilla>.

“like a hunchback of Notre Dame monkey”

Maltreated UK monkey recovers slowly.

“the animals have recovered”

Charges laid in New Mexico monkey chili-feeding incident.

“complete lunacy”

There's dentistry afoot in “hobbit” fossil says Australian professor.

Update: refuted.

“a last resort”

International outrage from the perpetually outraged / fuzzy-bunny division as Gibraltar plans monkey cull.

“realized he had bought one of the stolen monkeys”

One of two stolen monkeys in Florida is returned, search continues for the other.

“from the residence of the Rev. Josemarie Kizito, a Catholic priest”

Chimpanzee rescued in Uganda.

“take back the malicious remarks”

Murderous Chinese bullyboys hope to silence American critics. They're stupid leftists, but they're our stupid leftists. Fuck off, China! (h/t Instapundit)

Update: CNN are cowards. (h/t Pajamas Media)

“We have high hopes”

Abused monkey in South Africa slowly makes recovery.

“the second time in the last year-and-a-half”

Delhi blackouts blamed on monkey menace!

“So it is better to experiment on the macaques”

Russia to send monkeys to Mars.

Update: More.

“several felony counts stemming from the incident”

Two arrested for March purse-snatch from wife of St. James Davis, chimpanzee-attack survivor.

Goodbye, Babec

Babec, 28-year-old Western Lowland Gorilla at Birmingham Alabama Zoo, euthanized for heart disease.

“She believed the monkey was dangerous to humans”

Bitey monkey strikes in Ohio.

Suck It, Ratepaying Plebes!

Governors of NY and CT celebrate guaranteed price-rises of liquefied natural gas for years to come.

“he's almost sure it wasn't a gorilla”

Speculation that Mississippi gorilla sighting may be of a man in a gorilla-suit.