“all over them like ‘ugly on ape’”

Mayor of Stillwater, OK., accused of sexual harassment.

“bit the keeper on the arm and foot”

Zookeeper at Britain's Blackpool Zoo suffers an attack by an orangutan escaping from its cage.

“unprecedented ”

Alzheimer's-like neurofibrillary brain tangles in an aged nonhuman primate, say Yerkes experts.

Speechless

A Rhesus monkey emulates David Hasselhoff.

“Monkey tastes like dog”

Or so they say.

St. Anthony's fire for breakfast

Small dead animals reports on panicky speculations of Claviceps purpurea and strawberries with your Wheaties!

“Police believe they have arrested the man”

Man in gorilla mask takes cash and trousers in Tennessee.

National Geographic loves a star

"Lessons learned from a chimpanzee".

“why subordinate females overeat”

It's stress that makes your monkey fat, researchers say.

“the need is critical”

The National Zoo, in Washington D.C., has inadequate sprinkler systems, officials say.

“things are bound to get a little more testy”

Blank Park Zoo imports Japanese snow monkeys to breed with locals.

Goodbye, Jocko

Spider monkey at Greater Vancouver Zoo, killed by monkey-nappers, is remembered.

“at their wits end”

Pakistani thieves use monkeys in commission of their crimes, police say.

“Cincinnati is synonymous with gorilla births”

Zoo Babies is presented at Ohio's Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Garden.

“Kebara and Penny won't breed with Mwelu”

Tennessee's Memphis Zoo arranges for feminine companions for 21-year-old male gorilla Mwelu.

Since they're otherwise just idle

Scientist advocates using college undergraduates for mind tests.

“bars inspected include Three Legged Monkey”

States not to go for a drink: Texas.

“hernias, male nipples, impacted wisdom teeth, flatulence and hiccups”

You'll never convince any one with this stuff, I don't think. It plays well with a subset of the already-convinced, though.

“with a frozen fruit cake”

World's oldest (probably) gorilla in captivity celebrates her 55th birthday today at the Dallas Zoo.

“I'm not a monkey fan”

Christina Ricci looks back on monkey gropage, unfondly.

“heartless vandal”

At least one monkey killed at Greater Vancouver Zoo.

Update: They always get their man, it used to be said.

Update again Necropsy done.

Goodbye, Mzee Nkuringo

Elderly mountain gorilla silverback dead at Uganda's Bwindi Impenetrable National Park. Meanwhile new-born doing well.

I Smell Parody

I know all the smart bloggers are on this story on Switzerland's latest folly on "plant rights", but I don't believe it: I think it's a sarcastic comment on this bit on "animal rights".

“chronological variants”

Neanderthal not like us, scientists say.

“tangled in the umbilical cord”

Canadian pet shop with a taste for the bizarre rescues newborn lemur with mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Breaking monkey news!

2 of the runaway monkeys caught in Florida.

Trachypithecus obscurus

Australia's Adelaide Zoo welcomes a new Dusky Langur monkey.

“originate from Japan”

As winter tries to end, a rare snow monkey is born at Minnesota Zoo.

“perhaps you are a dull person”

Nim Chimpsky: The Chimp Who Would Be Human gets a positive review.

Just a thought...

There's nothing in the constitution that says that both Obama and Clinton can't run for President. C'mon Dems, twice as many chances to win!

Update: I think someone's listening.

Cercocebus atys lunulatus

Rare monkey born at London Zoo.

Update: All Britain's abuzz, it seems.

“the most deadly diseases known”

Scientists warn: sick apes contagious to you!

“have not been able to capture them”

Pro from Dover called in to catch Florida's renegade monkeys.

Paranthropus boisei

Did this ancient hominid fancy nuts and seeds or did he prefer softer fare?

“It could be days or weeks before they are caught”

Florida monkeys no closer to capture, but big talk underway.

What matters most...

in Switzerland.

“monkey thieves”

I bet no such thing happened. I don't think a monkey'd touch Ashlee Simpson's wardrobe!

“monkeys have injured visitors”

When in Pakistan don't tease the monkeys.

“the fastest primates on earth”

Florida monkeys boast: catch us if you can.

Update: built like greyhounds.

“a negative can't be proved”

Ohio woods crowded with Bigfoot believers. I blame Ben Stein.

“swam every day”

Florida monkeys remain elusive.

Update: Monkey's strategy: Divide and conquer.

“It's heartbreaking”

Monkey-theft traumatizes Canada's Cherry Brook Zoo.

Update: Safe and sound.

“inbred clans of traumatised monkeys”

Years after the collapse of the Soviet empire, the monkey gulags are still up and running.

“The Budongo Trail”

Edinburgh Zoo will soon open the largest chimpanzee enclosure in the world.

Florida held hostage as monkeys run wild

Zoo surprised: they can swim?

Update: This is highly unusual behavior for monkeys

“swam across the moat”

Untold numbers of Patas monkeys loose in Florida.

Update: Apparently it's an even dozen.

“new problems for malaria control.”

In today's the sky is falling news: monkey malaria

“appear to be in good health”

Both missing marmosets found in Florida. An area man is being sought by police.

“damaging rainforests”

Greenpeacers in orangutan costumes pester UK Unilever sites about palm oil.

“miserable life as a merchant navy mascot”

Party-boy chimpanzee rehabilitated at Edinburgh Zoo.

Gorilla gorilla diehli

Splitters make room for spectacularly unpopular gorilla>.

“like a hunchback of Notre Dame monkey”

Maltreated UK monkey recovers slowly.

“the animals have recovered”

Charges laid in New Mexico monkey chili-feeding incident.

“complete lunacy”

There's dentistry afoot in “hobbit” fossil says Australian professor.

Update: refuted.

“a last resort”

International outrage from the perpetually outraged / fuzzy-bunny division as Gibraltar plans monkey cull.

“realized he had bought one of the stolen monkeys”

One of two stolen monkeys in Florida is returned, search continues for the other.

“from the residence of the Rev. Josemarie Kizito, a Catholic priest”

Chimpanzee rescued in Uganda.

“take back the malicious remarks”

Murderous Chinese bullyboys hope to silence American critics. They're stupid leftists, but they're our stupid leftists. Fuck off, China! (h/t Instapundit)

Update: CNN are cowards. (h/t Pajamas Media)

“We have high hopes”

Abused monkey in South Africa slowly makes recovery.

“the second time in the last year-and-a-half”

Delhi blackouts blamed on monkey menace!

“So it is better to experiment on the macaques”

Russia to send monkeys to Mars.

Update: More.

“several felony counts stemming from the incident”

Two arrested for March purse-snatch from wife of St. James Davis, chimpanzee-attack survivor.

Goodbye, Babec

Babec, 28-year-old Western Lowland Gorilla at Birmingham Alabama Zoo, euthanized for heart disease.

“She believed the monkey was dangerous to humans”

Bitey monkey strikes in Ohio.

Suck It, Ratepaying Plebes!

Governors of NY and CT celebrate guaranteed price-rises of liquefied natural gas for years to come.

“he's almost sure it wasn't a gorilla”

Speculation that Mississippi gorilla sighting may be of a man in a gorilla-suit.

“a chimp in a movie is still a sad sight”

PETA behind claims of abuse of and by chimp Chim-Chim in Wachowski Bros. Speed Racer.

“absolutely no speculation whatsoever”

Show of hands: who didn't know the Chinese government were horrible thugs, and how long till the left forgives and forgets? (h/t Instapundit)

Update: A particularly clear-headed look.

“the genus of guenons”

Hand-rearing planned for new Diana monkey at UK's Port Lympne Wild Animal Park after mother confused by caesarean section.

Dibs on "Bruce"

Monkey-naming contest at Australia's Halls Gap Wildlife Park and Zoo.

“fried bee-larva, raw grasshopper, lizards and of course cat, dog, monkey”

Crossing India, with time out for din-dins.

“you damn dirty ape”

RIP Charlton Heston.

“and those in their 20s and 30s”

Epidemic of heart disease among zoo gorillas.

I've never had Absolut

So, big deal, I never will.

“After Traffic Chaos”

Florida monkey captured, ending daring spree.

“healthy and active”

Orangutan escape foiled in Ireland.

“the boundaries between humans and chimps are really quite fuzzy”

Via Jungle Trader, NPR reports Chimps with Spears “Captivate” Photographer. (Photographer survives captivation)

“a £1800 ($3600) grant”

Cornish monkeys to get grant for solar water heater. Unstated is the cost beyond the grant.

“11 others living in U.S. zoos”

California's Santa Ana Zoo announces the first US birth in captivity of a crested capuchin.

“still had redness around their eyes”

Clovis New Mexico police investigate case of zoo visitors feeding hot chiles to lemurs and spider monkeys.

“chainsaw artists”

Replacement made for stolen bigfoot statue.

Build the fence!

Undocumented marmosets spotted in Denver.

“the monkeys were rare species of primates”

Possible attempt to hijack banana boat foiled in Russia.

“a shiver up my spine”

Unpronounceable mystery ape said to be photographed in Wales. Evidence lacking in online version.

“offering an unspecified reward”

Wife of St. James Davis, chimpanzee-attack survivor, suffers purse-snatching.

Cercopithecus ascanius

Houston Zoo hosts a new baby Schmidt's red tailed guenon. A picture is included.

“both a tiger and a lemur contained in the same body”

Canada's Edmonton Journal says China doesn't deserve the Olympics. MonkeyWatch agrees.

“funded by the National Eye Institute”

University of Washington may be dunned for unapproved surgical procedures done on monkeys.

“a patas monkey and a ring-tailed lemur”

Two primate births at Phoenix Arizona's Wildlife World Zoo.

“writing his autobiography”

The oldest known living chimpanzee, Tarzan's Cheeta, turns 76 years old.

Update: More from UPI on the autobiography.

“an empty moat around their home”

Disaster narrowly averted at San Francisco's Chaffee Zoo.

“the staff of five that tends to the senior primates”

Much like the rest of us, the gorillas at Louisville Zoo’s Gorilla Forest grow older.

Update: Philadelphia Zoo says "Me too".

“How many Texas towns have monkey massacres?”

Murals of the Johnson Creek Monkey Massacre and other moments of Arlington, TX, history called for.

“untarnished”

Former Chimp Haven employee drops lawsuit.

So boycott 'em

If they're not murdering Tibetans, they're tainting your children's toys with lead.

“the wild world of animal control”

The Kitsap, WA.,dog-catcher remembers the day he got “a report of a monkey loose on Bainbridge Island.”

Daily New York scandal

New York's breath-of-bresh-air Governor a dope fiend! (h/t Scared Monkeys)

“highly trained monkeys”

Google-owned YouTube found to have new motto: Be evil, but blame monkeys.

“authentic experiences”

Swimming with sharks, gorilla trekking among guerillas, shopping the souk in terrorist country: adventure holidays for the unconcerned.

“kicked out of and beaten up by a colony elsewhere”

Zoo of Acadiana in Louisiana includes lemurs among its new births.