“making two sins with the nature”

“Paper or plastic?” used to be without moral implications.

monkeys in the mail bag

Waiter! There's a monkey in my drink! (Thanks to triticale - the wheat / rye guy)

Foul Miscreant

Monkey-napper corralled.

“chimpanzee traditions such as Masonic-style handshakes”

Like the 2000-year-old man, bang rocks together and we call it culture.

“Darwin has been his pal for eight years”

Owner of illicit monkey messes with Texas. Texas returns the favor.

“the only known captive chimp with cerebral palsy”

Don't tease that chimpanzee. He's mentally disabled!

“The Great Ape Heist Of 1983”

On Baboon Pirates.

“Mind of the Chimpanzee”

Jane Goodall attracts a pod of hero-worshippers at Chicago's Lincoln Park Zoo.

“problems with visitors harassing animals”

Quit smoking! chimpanzees at Trinidad and Tobago's Emperor Valley Zoo ordered.

Setting a Low Bar

A cloning experiment condemned a decade ago by President Clinton.

“and ended up fracturing his legs”

Attempted daring rooftop escape from menacing monkeys regretted. More tales of woe follow.

“to meet an orang-utan”

You can always tell a glamor model, but you can't tell her much.

“scratches on his back and bites to his finger”

Monkeys at UK's Chessington Zoo fight off would-be kidnapper.

“Voting ends April 4”

Chimpanzee-naming contest announced for Tulsa Zoo.

“Conan”

“Dud vasectomy” chimpanzee outed at Chimp Haven near Shreveport, La. Try, try, again.

“the state school is immune”

Ohio court makes a monkey of litigious psychology professor.

“until I moved to a small, windowless room in the basement.”

Again, a newspaper columnist relates the hunting chimpanzees to memories of childhood Planet of the Apes nightmares. This one takes a dig at the Bush twins, for no apparent reason.

He's a Beast!

Dutch zoos celebrate three gorilla pregnancies with the same father.

small, angry men with hairy faces and burning feet

Our ape-like ancestors had short, stumpy, legs because prehistoric chicks dug it.

“serious nightmares”

Columnist relives childhood “Planet of the Apes“ fears upon hearing of chimpanzees using sharp sticks for hunting.

Microcebus danfossi

Buying a species.

Call him Dr. Furry!

First human instances of pubic lice acquired from gorillas, depraved scientist asserts.

Marketing 101

If this monkey wanted to invent a food supplement, he'd choose a name that didn't sound like dog food.

“whose head is a philosopher”

Monkeys “rewarded” during behavior research suffer inhumane loss of dignity, says nutters in Switzerland's Federal Veterinary Office.

“I've never run as fast in my entire life”

English Rugby League player Paul Deacon menaced by Thai monkeys on honeymoon.

“an absolute miracle”

Mountain gorilla birth recorded in Congo.

“feeding him every two hours”

Gollum, ring-tailed lemur rejected by mother, adopted by staff at Britain's Blair Drummond Safari Park.