Goodbye, Nonja

Nonja, 55-year-old Sumatran orangutan, believed to have been the world's oldest, dead at Miami FL's Metro Zoo.

“Ancient pandas battled with giant apes for food resources”

Ancient nature, red in tooth and claw.

Goodbye, Beau

Inquiries made in death of orangutan in Blackpool.

“sacrilegious cartoons”

Uh-oh!

“stashed a monkey in his hat”

International fashion reaches new low.

Goodbye, BiBi

BiBi, 39 year old female gorilla at Tennessee's Knoxville Zoo, dead of uncertain causes.

“grey-shanked doucs”

Rare monkeys over-run Vietnamese backcountry.

“the person whose back is turned is the one who gets robbed”

Yale researcher reads monkey's tiny little minds.

“we want our monkeys back”

Monkeys stolen from exotic animal preserve prompt protestors to don gorilla costumes.

“hollering led to more vigorous sex”

Question science asks: Why female monkeys shout during sex.

“suffering serious or fatal injuries”

Chinese manufacturer gives US hunters a push.

“Swing sets, monkey bars and slides”

Unregulated playground equipment is decried.

“He's looking great and feeding very well”

Australia's Taronga Zoo has a new baby gorilla.

“Presents for Primates”

Monkeys and apes at Tampa FL's Lowry Park Zoo get their presents.

“Those things can jump, you know”

University of Minnesota raises the curtain on the Minnesota Monkey Pit.

Scientists aren't alone, I guess

“sounds nice to bathe with a monkey.”

“unlike humans, Chimpanzees don’t experience menopause”

Scientists don't think like the rest of us.

“Mystery Beast Kills Animals in S.C.”

I'm guessing a King Kong sort of critter.

“It helps form social bonds”

Captive orangutans spotted sharing jokes, limericks.

“They're my favorite”

Gorillas boffo hit at L.A. Zoo as Angelenos, starved for entertainment, turn to writerless fun.

“peaceful, cooperative and matriarchal”

Bonobos: like the Democrat party, but more so. A prey species.

“fear had gripped the villagers”

Child-bothering monkey apprehended in India.

With video

As humans have learned, this monkey in India learns its purpose in life is as a servant to cats.

Hat tip to Zappateers

Karlheinz Stockhausen dead at 79.

“boisterous, confident and happy-go-lucky”

Mixed fruit and nut cake for Kivu the gorilla's 5th birthday.

“pregnancy would be too dangerous”

Northern Ireland puts Delilah the gorilla on birth control for her own good.

“world's oldest fertile gorilla and orangutan in captivity”

Germany's Matze and Charly, gorilla and orangutan, to test whether fifty is the new forty.

“the chimps won”

Chimpanzees rule at game-show level memory tests. Soon chimpanzees will make Alex Trebek redundant. (Thanks to Sissy Willis)

All the News that Fits....

Monkey-meat lowers the tone of the Paper of Record.

Refreshments were served

Returned “Taiping Four” gorillas fêted in Cameroon,

“The monkey's name was Phyllis”

Alabama man gets back his monkey, still named Phyllis. Phyllis the monkey.

The Insurrection begins!

Baboons raid Saudi Arabian capital. Imagine: toothy monkeys now control the world's largest petroleum field.

Put Up or Shut Up

You're free to spend your own money on it, ya know.

It's a way of life!

At The Monkey Tennis Centre, archbishop in a burqa.

“Lemur in Latin means ghost”

Denver Zoo adds Mongoose lemurs.

“throwing dirt clumps, stones, and sticks”

Wildlife Conservation Society trains gorillas in weapons use.

Bulbous also tapered

A squirrel eating jelly donuts in a polyethylene bag.

“moving to Des Moines”

Democrat presidential candidate Chris Dodd flees Connecticut.

“a great danger to the organized labor movement”

Kentucky legend the Parkes Monkey: monkeys at work in Kentucky's rolling hemp fields.

“Nuclear-armed monkeys”

The MediaBlog spills the beans (or bananas!) on the red flag of simian revolution.

“Li Bao”

Gibbon christened.

“Monkeys are wreaking havoc”

Monkey gangs dominate northern India. “The state government has formed a panel to study the problem”

“in harmony with nature”

Real estate column, blighted by monkeys.

“cancer-causing monkey viruses”

Twoofers aren't the only nut-jobs. A new take on a classic conspiracy obsession.

Monkey shortage averted!

Scientists announce monkey-embryo cloning success. World rejoices.

“where did it come from”

Donut-eating undocumented ape haunts the Florida back-country.

“Bad times -- probably very bad times -- are coming”

Nanny Bloomberg dips toe in the water for independent Presidential run (followed by appointment as Hillary's Transfat Czar).

That Corvair thing was a crock, too

In typical Google news “blast from the past” fashion, we're treated to prediction by astute political commentator Ralph Nader of the then-impending victory of Ned “What Me Worry” Lamont over then-and-current Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman.

“rogue animal”

Bloody monkey rampage reported in New Delhi.

Update: Collared.

“We're talking evolution”

Hitting all the tourist traps on the Scopes Monkey Trail.

“A warrant is out”

Monkey-stealing charged in Missouri.

“a high-level alert”

Texas ensafened by capture of dangerous research chimpanzee.

“Aqua Dots”

An exciting new poison from China for the kiddies in time for Christmas.

Short, tasteless

Forewarned.

No Great Surprise, Really

What's “Smarter Than Liberals”, at Weasel Zippers.

“A lot of nonsense has been written on the subject”

Fritz de Waal to address “Our Inner Ape&rdquo.

Smelled right!

Would-be stoners in Pennsylvania mistakenly steal monkeys, have mom return same.

“a $2 million federal grant”

Trouble brewing as Santa Claus, IN, adds “$1.7 million monkey-themed attraction”. Details of attraction unclear, I predict jolly elf vs. monkey knife fight.

With the Grinch's dog. Everybody loves that dog.

“wanted for questioning”

On the trail of a bitey monkey in Columbia, Mo.

“on their way to a Maryland laboratory”

53 monkeys in a pickup truck involved in motor vehicle collision on Ohio highway.

“It's what those monkey arms are for”

Space station repair successful, nobody electrocuted.

Screaming as they ran

The Other 95% on Germany's lobsters playing The Great Escape. (Thanks to Sissy Willis.)

Scandentia

Meet the Flying Lemur, which doesn't fly nor is it a lemur.

I question the timing!

Oct 20: Deputy Mayor of Delhi, India, killed by rag-tag renegade band of Rhesus macaques.
Nov 1: American scientists announce successfully decoding Rhesus macaque DNA.

No word on trial run of artificial assassin-monkeys?

Just business, nothing personal

China against the world. (Tip to Protein Wisdom.)

Goodbye, Washoe

Washoe. famous signing chimpanzee, dead of natural causes at 42 years of age at Central Washington University.

Influenza implicated.

Update: Cruel, but fair.

Wazoo

The first time I saw Frank Zappa perform was 9/23/1972 at the Felt Forum in NYC. Soon. the next day, recorded at the Music Hall in Boston, will be released.

Update 10/06: In my hands today!

“a family history of feces flinging”

An inflatable gorilla's experience to the ER is documented at Emergiblog.

“baboon crime”

Baboons enforce their demands for rights, reparations at the People's Cube. (H/T to Sissy Willis)

“killers are being kept like monkeys and live a good life”

The benefits of experienced civilization, and executing murderers, are considered.

“you eventually fall apart and die from a lack of collagen”

Like our ancient enemy the monkey, we need vitamins our bodies can't synthesize.

Goodbye, Mamu

Mamu, 37-year-old ring-tailed lemur, dead of undetermined causes at Colorado's Pueblo Zoo.

“Initially the parents were worried for their son's safety”

Disaster is foreshadowed: monkey babysitter.

“Machiavellian intelligence”

Germans: Monkeys are sneaky plotting bastards. People, too.

“MYSTERIOUS”

Instapundit links to this story of the search for the skunk ape.

“just a few thousand dollars”

Conservationists warn of imminent peril for primates. Regrettably, conservationists say their funds are all spent, so saving the primates is on you. Rotten luck.

“and roasted them on the spit”

Looking back to a simpler time, in Spain, when running over monkeys was commonplace.

“oddly unafraid”

Adventure holiday in Rwanda, with gorillas.

“most professional monkey catchers are illiterate”

More of the same medicine prescribed as New Delhi monkey menace continues.

Yapping from the left

Chomsky or chimpsky?

“a week early than expected”

Chimpanzee born at New Zealand's Wellington Zoo

“big, big trouble”

Left in the cold by Nobel Peace Prize lobbying, is this the year Jane Goodall releases her chimpanzee armies to kill us all?

“They're at the bottom”

As much as you wanted to know, at least, about lemurs, in Moreau, NY.

“plague of monkeys”

Deputy mayor of Delhi dies after monkey attack in rooftop misadventure.

More.

“Sumatran Orang-utan Conservation Program”

Temara, orangutan from Australia's Perth Zoo, deported to Sumatran jungle.

“an ad he placed seeking spanking partners”

Life for killer of Man in the Yellow Hat.

Amazing discovery

Google says Monkeywatch favorite Silfray Hraka is the top hit for paralytic drunk kennedy.

Or from singer poor to Sinatra

From Singapore to Sumatra, they're writing sternly-worded memos on saving orangutans.

“Gorilla Inc”

Chinese-built ladder stands recalled. Look out below!

“fans making monkey noises”

Cricket, motor racing suffer racism charges.

“a nursery nurse”

Monkeys puzzled by theft of tree from front garden in UK.

I do not think that word means what you think it means

BBC: Orphan lemur taken back by mother.

“a missing molar”

Toothmarks crucial to case against man in Maltese monkey-theft.

“it takes a lot of confidence”

Secrets of a man in a gorilla suit revealed.

“6,000 parts per million”

Man in the Yellow Hat suffers lead poisoning, Environmental health officials baffled.

“A means of connection”

Recipient of MonkeyWatch awe, N.Z. Bear of the indispensable Truth Laid Bear, has opened commercial media tool Kithbridge.

“Accidents will happen”

Scientists or big media, who's more likely to protect us from dangerous microbe mishandling?

Headlines in the News

I originally misread this as Useless Space Monkey Invented. Admittedly, misreading is commoner, yet less amusing, since my stroke.

"No throwing grapes"

Grape stompers at Reno, NV's, Great Italian Festival entertained by Hobo the Monkey.

Still awaiting the withering away of the state, I think

Max Planck Institute of Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig, Germany applies some dodgy economic theory to chimpanzee behavior.

“Thirteen animals have been stolen”

Maltese cross as Animal Park at Razzett tal-Hbiberija is burgled.

“the Freedom of Information Act”

The contagion-filled sky is falling! It's George Bush's fault, apparently.

“$15,000”

Killing a monkey is expensive.

Monkey meridians

North Carolina Zoo rejects scientific medicine for inmates.

“It's just standard procedure”

Chimpanzee-on-the-run gunned down at UK's Whipsnade Zoo.

“It wasn't really like an escape”

"You'll never build a cage that'll hold me!" snarled the un-named spider monkey, but within 20 minutes keepers at the Dallas Zoo had proven her wrong.

“a woman and her pet monkey”

Rash of Missouri monkey-bitings now at two.

“I was never given a clue”

Soi-disant Bright Richard Dawkins auto-mocked in coming intelligent design propaganda movie Expelled, No Intelligence Allowed.

“Appomattox County Sheriff's Office is investigating”

Monkey-search underway in Appomattox County Virginia.

“or persons with interests?”

Austrian court declines to declare a chimpanzee a person.

Made my morning complete

“still has nightmares”

Girl injured in 2003 Franklin Park Zoo gorilla attack testifies “too scared to run”.

Update: $175K sleep aid.

“high levels of lead”

I don't think Mattel is taking the blame for this.

“Please Read and Re-Post”

The American street is called to action.

Shame, shame!

Senate votes against Moveon Petraeus slander. Roll-call here (Dodd pro-slander).

“psychological damage”

No testimony from Little Joe the gorilla in Boston Franklin Park Zoo trial.

The rest of us are still laughing!

Whiny child has friends.

“We have an aging population of gorillas”

Surgery for fibroid tumors for gorilla at Chicago's Brookfield Zoo.

“a fistful of nuts”

Thanks to Sissy Willis for mailing this story about Democrats stuck in the monkey trap.

And They Watched Her!

Princess Anne amuses herself with a day of gibbon-watching.

“caused operations to be stalled for a few hours”

Monkey tosses spanner in the works at New Delhi's airport.

“Crab-eating Macaques”

Diving monkeys aren't photographed at California's Folsom City Zoo.

“positive attention from the females”

These three chimps walk into a fruit bar.

Sucks to be you

Osama late to the dance, losing out to Rage Boy in lucrative “next Che” T-shirt market.

First victory for Bin Laden tape!

Southwest Airlines to mandate burkha policy for female passengers.

Gives BDS sufferers a complex

Trinidad & Tobago's Bush Bush Island, ecotourism in the sun.

“which land next week”

Return of Trunk Monkey!

“I've never done this kind of thing before”

Careless New Zealand exposes 104-year-old to hungry monkey.

“for what I have caused”

Senator Craig defends his heterosexuality, intends to hold his seat, demands an apology and a reach-around.

“could damage a child's organs if swallowed”

Mattel looks to pay the price of doing business with Chinese slave-masters.

UN stands by, offers recipes

Guerillas meet, eat gorillas in the Democratic Republic of Congo.

“a brain like a chimpanzee's”

Lucy takes Houston by storm as docents union fusses.

“another baby was born last Friday”

Lincoln Park Zoo grows their Goeldi's monkey troupe.

“reminiscent of Karl Rove”

Eddie Perez, leftist mayor of Hartford, CT, disappoints fellow travelers. It seems he's been stealing from the rich and keeping it.

(Also, weird kissing noises)

Kenyan monkeys make inappropriate hand gestures at local humans, apparently.

Chororapithecus abyssinicus

10-million-year-old species of pre-gorilla found in Ethiopian scrub.

Almost missed this non-monkey story...

China hates everyone. Eternal vigilance, boycott, &c. (Via Dr. Val and The Voice of Reason)

I Predict Failure

“the first Arabian zoo to breed the chimpanzee and the Arabian wild cat”

“I did not evolve from an ape”

He's sui generis  and he's proud.

Maybe it's not Incompetence?

How much before you say boycott?

“harsh measures”

Series of meaningless show-trials promised as China seeks coverup of deadly quality issues.

“a crafty alligator”

Is Oliver the monkey implicated in the escape shenanigans of Reggie the alligator?

“I'm tired of chasing a monkey”

Tupelo Zoo keepers played for fools by Oliver, the often-escaping monkey.

Gimme Back My Monkey!

Maryland woman fights city hall for monkey's return.

“Clouds are that 800-pound gorilla”

Newsflash: Debate not so settled, Al.

"Goodbye and good riddance"

Nancy-boy John Edwards issues the phrase that'll follow him for all time, along with that photo of him gazing into the compact, mesmerized.

Doing jobs that humans won't

Pacific Northwest to host hordes of defective chimpanzees.

Goodbye Donge

Donge, 22-year-old female lowland gorilla at Canada's Calgary Zoo, euthanized after long illness.

Made in China is like skull & crossbones

More fears about toothpaste, toys. China constructs crap, too.

“Kheti Bachao Sangrah Samiti”

India's monkey-menaced farmers search for someone to do something.

“tainted Chinese-made toothpaste”

Toothpaste recall a feather in Danbury Hospital's cap.

“The more we know, the more complex the story gets”

Red / blue divergence in fossil record?

An average college town

Madison, WI, police capture diaper-wearing bitey monkey.

“the 300-pound gorilla throwing its weight around”

Germans have a record-low opinion of America. Also, Rowayton lobster catch continues to disappoint.

“stashing the furry fist-size primate under his hat”

Marmoset smuggler finds no welcome in New York City.

I'm picturing chimpanzees loose on the lanes

Embracing stereotypes, Iowa's Great Ape Trust wins as charity Bowlathon for Great Apes is a $20,000 hit.

“the little bitty ol' monkey”

Oliver the monkey home safe and sound in Tupelo, MS.

"How come the public has no inkling about this?"

Australopithecus  fossil Lucy now touring the US.

They call him the iceman

Ferrari driver Kimi Raikkonen startles Hungarian paddock dressed as a gorilla.

“escaped”

Buffalo Park and Zoo in Tupelo, Miss. is missing a monkey.

“de Waal got it mostly wrong”

A defender of bonobo morality is found. Surprise: it's straight arrow Dinesh D'Souza.

Tonedeaf, with a bullet

Harry "Who Me?" Reid: Drop Dead! to Minnesota. (via Lileks at buzz.mn)

Sissy Pomade will be subsidized, tho!

In a fit of pique, Elizabeth Edwards declares you'll have to farm your own strawberries and cream, and carbon-free too, if you want to eat, come the revolution.

“Fisher-Price to Recall Nearly 1M Toys”

When you buy anything, remember China makes crap.

One monkey's question

Why have Democrats kept silent on unsettled warmonger Barack Obama and why haven't they revealed his plans to attack friendly governments?

Like Marmite, but crunchy

Toothy baby crocodiles found while Australians search for tasty and nutritious monkeys.

“from the Crocodylus Park on Darwin's outskirts”

Monkey thief sought in Australia.

Now we can all can put our minds at ease, I'm sure

U.N. to investigate gorilla killings in Congo.

“two new black and white ruffed lemurs”

Philadelphia Zoo's full of lemurs.

A contest even Michael Vick would watch

Monkey v. Dog v. Wikipedia at 10 Zen Monkeys.

“They don't speak English”

Siamangs-a-popping at Louisville Zoo.

more.

Never met a man food-source he didn't like

Michigan man with catholic appetites dead while enjoying globe-trotting vacation.

Goodbye, Fifi

Sydney, Australia's Taronga Zoo mourns Fifi, a 60-year-old chimpanzee.

“The creature stole his glasses”

South Korean tourist in India files charges against thieving monkey.

Lazy!

Humans first walked upright 'to save energy,' scientists say.

“tainted hummus”

Sampling Iranian delicacies sickens over 100 in Chicago.

ring-tailed lemurs unharmed

Zebra gunned down in Texas drive-by.

“China makes crap”

“Everyone is familiar with chimpanzees”

Given the chance, chimps learn from us.

“some bugger wants me for dinner”

Ewan McGregor attracts unwanted attention while making gorilla documentary in “Democratic Republic of Congo”.

“seized more than 900 poached monkeys”

Monkey-poachers in Malaysia suffer a loss.

“flung a huge rock”

Cameroon gorilla acts for all humanity.

Earning PMRC offsets

Al Gore, on a contact high, insists that entertainment celebrities pissing fuel away on “Live Earth” is politically sound.

“hysteria in Al Gore’s schlockumentary”

Ice drilling in Greenland dissents from Al Gore's unanimous consensus.

Cheez Whiz?

City of Brotherly Love makes room for more gorillas.

“at the lemur exhibit ”

A tree grows in South Carolina then it lands on a three-year-old.

“Maybe they were planning on building an ark”

If they'll steal monkeys, they'll steal kittens.

“grey-shanked douc”

Scientists discover “the world's largest known population of the endangered monkey species”, endangered still, like world's tallest midgets.

“bitten an actor on the set”

Chim Chim not a happy chimpanzee, PETA alleges.

Can kazoo ban be far behind?

Wallingford, CT considers ban on Silly String.

“the verbally active Asian ape”

Gibbons at the door planned for an expanded Fresno Chaffee Zoo, taxpayers willing.

could go to China

I blame Nixon. (Free Tibet, too.)

‘a chimpanzee regularly referred to as the live show's "intern"’

G4 programming honcho revealed.

dismal science, indeed

Economics.com says researchers may get up at dawn hoping to grab chimpanzee faeces that fall from the trees.

“eldest child's IQ”

Like every other oldest, I endorse this science.

“It was easy to find a reason to take legal action against Van Roosmalen”

Dutch monkey researcher Marc van Roosmalen neglects to get his Brazilian monkey license, remembers to get his Brazilian monkeys. 14 year prison term awaits.

“A doctor's office can be a scary place”

Pediatric clinic distracts patients with live streaming video of Minnesota Zoo gibbons.

“they protect our freedom”

Sock monkeys support our troops.

“We have to ask ourselves what is going on here?”

Paris Hilton steals attention from manbearpig's marketing initiative.

“Lead Paint”

Via the underwear drawer, chinese poisoners pick their victims young.

“without looking like surrender monkeys”

You say &ldquoPull and Strike&rdquo, I suggest Yank and Crank, it's a wash.

‘The passenger in a vintage sidecar is called a "monkey"’

Sidecar racing.

Bipartisan!

One hand washes the other as Connecticut acts to protect crooked politician's pensions.

“and a three-year loss of hunting and fishing privileges”

Vermont man charged with keeping forbidden monkeys.

By gorilla or gorillas unknown

Netherland's Blijdorp Zoo liable for injuries caused by escaped all-too-well-known gorilla Bokito.

Scientists think they're so smart!

Chimpanzee at Kenya's Sweetwaters Chimpanzee Sanctuary reproduces despite contraceptives.

“Children = howler monkeys”

Behind the Counter disapproves of children running loose in his store.

Lowland gorillas are on their own

San Francisco is running for mountain gorillas.

“at the Bronx Zoo”

Gorilla mother and baby in this livescience feature.

Woot!

Well, this'll be fun.

“urged not to keep monkeys as pets”

Canada seeks stricter rules on exotic animals, UK to relax same.

“stealing cat food and defecating on the porch”

Vancouver suffers monkeys and friends on the loose.

“abusive or neglectful situations”

Monkeys with issues at Arizona's Keepers of the Wild.

‘63.5 million hits for "monkey"’

Houston entrepreneurs bet against Google.

“apologise in advance to all monkeys”

Hounds of blogwar loosed as Bulgarian and Macedonian factions post ugly.

Brother Theodore would've been so proud!

Orangutan ancestors walked upright then went back to the trees.

“Most people have never seen a lemur before”

Lemur opportunities at Duke.

“All children should be on leashes”

<shrug> I was an NYC kid, I had a harness & leash</shrug>. I've never felt kinship with a San Francisco zoo before.

“an orthodox Marxist”

Dear stupid leftist, we understand Hitchens is an atheist. Here's a clue: he's not the only one. It's a big tent over here. You keep Dawkins, we'll keep Hitchens, we'll call it a mutually beneficial arrangement.

Goodbye, Julia

Julia, 37-year-old female gorilla at Calgary Zoo, dead of liver disease.

“ciprofloxacin and enrofloxacin”

Chinese mad poisoners press for wider loopholes. Free Tibet.

Fugu You!

Via Silfray Hraka, Chinese mad poisoners still hard at work. Free Tibet.

“Bush and Rove”

We lost because. Democrats fake documents to prepare for inevitable 2008 election loss.

“chewed through her cage”

Stun-gun solves orangutan escape attempt in Taiwan.

Bokito™

Rotterdam's edgiest gorilla now a trademark.

“diethylene glycol”

Via Doctor Anonymous, Chinese mad poisoners strike again.

“makes no apparent sense”

Now that the usurious tax chickens are home to roost, governors are revolting.

And inside, it's delicous!

Aegyptopithecus, our pinhead ancestor, had a lime-size brain.

“becoming a voice for animals”

Opportunity for exotic pig-pickin'

“her monkey Armani would not be returned”

“Gimme back my monkey,&rdquo Maryland woman pleads, to no avail.

“humans' closest relatives”

Like humans, apes use gesture to communicate. It's unclear whether their repertoire includes “digitus impudens”.

A socialist, I bet

“Human Ancestor Had a Pea Brain”

“monkeys who specially target children and women”

Private enterprise bails out the government in rounding up menacing monkeys. (They've still got a lot to learn).

“they know they're going to have some fun”

Monkeys at German zoo love them some clown.

“Infected squirrels and a rabbit”

Plaguey, albeit dead, monkey at Denver Zoo.

“the gorilla demonstrated particularly aggressive behaviour”

Amsterdam's Diergaarde Blijdorp zoo to to tell their side of the story of the gorilla escape. The gorilla, presumably, has his own press conference scheduled.

“but this my job”

The monkey-catcher's complaint".

“He suspected the animal was bullied”

Four injured in Rotterdam as gorilla escapes Blijdorp Zoo. No word on how stoned he was.

'a "surrender monkey" named Hobo'

Right-thinking monkey taunts the traitor, Harry Reid.

Ever seen them eat?

Why Connecticut gets no respect.

“trademark infringement”

Ben & Jerry sued over Chunky Monkey.

“no primates, no wild animals and no predators”

Star dog trainer enforces “no monkey training” rule. (If you'd have asked me, I would've guessed dogs would be predators. Shows what I know.)

“he may not completely regain his vision”

Apparently mostly successful cataract surgery on Malaysian orangutan.

“damaging trees, uprooting plants, snapping electrical wires and snatching food from children”

Ah, it's India's election season: monkey menace gains politician's attention.

Aegyptopithecus zeuxis

Our most shameful ancestor: the pinhead Dawn Ape.

“the species lemur catta”

Spain's lemur census increases.

Now you can build one from scratch

Genetic recipe for rhesus monkey is ready. Be the first on your block!

“an out-of-control Monkey”

Monkey runs amok in Thailand.

“the intersection of Animal Nirvana Boulevard and Pets Are People II Street”

Cattlemen (and cattlewomen!) look at the news.

“Mr. Monkey is home again!”

Brooklyn band “The Violets” is reunited with their mascot.

“not a source of amusement any more”

Monkeys beseige Indian town.

“type II neuropsin”

Genetically speaking, chimpanzees are stupid, just as you suspected.

“by God's grace we are a happy family now”

Couple in Andhra Pradesh, India, adopts monkey as their daughter. Tom Tancredo remains silent.

Florida monkey-napping!

Four “men” stole a companion monkey from a mentally disabled woman in San Mateo, FL. Police investigation continues.

“unclear whether the baby gorilla would be called Steve”

Rwandan authorities to name baby gorilla in honor of Steve Irwin.

“nearly five decades”

Monkey menace dominates Delhi elections.

“make a meal of rats, lizards and even small monkeys”

Overgrown Venus flytrap featured in San Francisco freakshow.

“20 million chickens”

Chinese poison scandal widens again. Recipients of Chinese largesse keep mum.

“We're not talking about the right to vote here”

Austrian trouble-makers demand that people with jobs pay for chimpanzee “human rights.”

“this was a protest”

Sandmonkey follow-up on Hyscience.

“no recall”

Chinese “petfood taint" reaches US human food supply. FDA insists there's nothing to see here.

Individually and as a group

They'll roast our stomachs in hell. We've heard this before. Iraq's National Resistance and their pals in the US can both fuck themselves.

Silly us!

“We Westerners see insects or monkey's brains as weird foods”

“Finished”

Sandmonkey hangs it up.

“routinely added to animal feed”

Boycott China, free Tibet.

“deceptively strong”

Kiefer Sutherland fears orangutans. Also copy editors.

“returned to earth safely”

04/28/1959: monkeys in space.

“We imitate the birds and monkeys”

Ecuador's Andes Manta hopes to attract new listeners.

“some monkeys moved out to their summer area yesterday”

Spring comes to North Dakota.

“kind of ruined the Earth”

Land of steady habits invaded by Jane Goodall.

Huh. I didn't even know she was sick!

Portland OR has a Jane Goodall Environmental Middle School. Chest-beating trumps reading, I betcha.

“transferred to an upstate New York zoo”

Tennessee's Memphis Zoo now gorilla-less.

“like China”

Would-be monkey scheduled for ritual abusiture by PETA.

“easily identifiable”

Brooklyn band The Violet Hour loses toy monkey Mr. Monkey.

“terrified of a monkey once”

Renfeild finds a fellow diner in India.

“monkeys could acquire meta-cognitive skills”

I think, therefore I am. Ook, ook.

“a slow but steady comeback,”

Uganda's gorillas keep refusing to become extinct.

“they are distinct populations”

Chimpanzees: paragons of diversity.

Camping will never be the same!

Monkey or human, your ear-towel is obsolete!

“a pair of highly endangered black and white ruffed Lemurs”

Lemurs added at Santa Barbara Zoo.

Rules Declared

Staring is not permitted.

“driving with an obstructed view”

Eager policeman busts drug smuggler with toy monkey stuffed with hydrocodone, Xanax, and Soma, which smell like marijuana, it seems.

Goodbye, Tabitha

26-year-old female gorilla at Calgary Zoo dead after seizure.

“More Evolved Than Humans?”

Uppity chimpanzees getting a bit above themselves.

“godawful cartoon”

Call issued to omit Chim-Chim from coming live-action Speed Racer.

“He probably doesn't know he is a bamboo lemur”

Bilbo looks for a family.

“The baboons are aggressive”

Prospect Park Zoo keeper on adventure tour in Belize.

“like the hairy-eared dwarf-lemur of Madagascar”

The threat of another Earth Day looms large. If only I'd hit the first one over the head.

“These fuzzy animals are key”

We now have the plans to build a rhesus macaque.

“S'Alright? S'Alright!”

There's a reason they're called "lesser apes", ya know

San Francisco Zoo keepers to rear Sungai, a widely unwanted female Siamang.

“which also owns Madame Tussauds waxworks”

Gorillas threaten to down tools at UK's Chessington World of Adventures.

“helps scientists retrieve data”

Zoo Atlanta orangutans to pwn with new arboreal computing initiative.

“with children rarely being injured”

Parents at Walla Walla (second only to Kankakee in absurd name sweepstakes) demand new monkey bars.

“as the world's oldest chimp”

Cheetah, of Tarzan fame, celebrates 75th birthday.

“ate or tasted another monkey's vomit”

Eewe.

“He tells a lot of jokes about the presidents”

Darwin descendant entertains students, eschews knuckle-walking.

Snip, snip!

65,000 monkeys to get sterilised in India's Himachal Pradesh state.

“tests are being run”

Pair of siamangs dead of undetermined causes at Kentucky's Louisville Zoo.

"brown lipstick doesn't look good on anyone" -- Frank Zappa

“is just us paying attention”

New director at Dallas Zoo sets record.

Maybe blame George Bush?

New York's Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park seeks to regain AZA certification.

“the animal was placed in quarantine”

Spider monkey flees Mexico City zoo, boards bus, attacks passenger, and is offered guest worker status by California.

Update: Not a monkey at all, a kinkajou! Red Cross can't tell the difference. No donation for you!

And that one's Ook-ook

Bonobos at Great Ape Trust of Iowa to name their trumpeter swan neighbors.

“making two sins with the nature”

“Paper or plastic?” used to be without moral implications.

monkeys in the mail bag

Waiter! There's a monkey in my drink! (Thanks to triticale - the wheat / rye guy)

Foul Miscreant

Monkey-napper corralled.

“chimpanzee traditions such as Masonic-style handshakes”

Like the 2000-year-old man, bang rocks together and we call it culture.

“Darwin has been his pal for eight years”

Owner of illicit monkey messes with Texas. Texas returns the favor.

“the only known captive chimp with cerebral palsy”

Don't tease that chimpanzee. He's mentally disabled!

“The Great Ape Heist Of 1983”

On Baboon Pirates.

“Mind of the Chimpanzee”

Jane Goodall attracts a pod of hero-worshippers at Chicago's Lincoln Park Zoo.

“problems with visitors harassing animals”

Quit smoking! chimpanzees at Trinidad and Tobago's Emperor Valley Zoo ordered.

Setting a Low Bar

A cloning experiment condemned a decade ago by President Clinton.

“and ended up fracturing his legs”

Attempted daring rooftop escape from menacing monkeys regretted. More tales of woe follow.

“to meet an orang-utan”

You can always tell a glamor model, but you can't tell her much.

“scratches on his back and bites to his finger”

Monkeys at UK's Chessington Zoo fight off would-be kidnapper.

“Voting ends April 4”

Chimpanzee-naming contest announced for Tulsa Zoo.

“Conan”

“Dud vasectomy” chimpanzee outed at Chimp Haven near Shreveport, La. Try, try, again.

“the state school is immune”

Ohio court makes a monkey of litigious psychology professor.

“until I moved to a small, windowless room in the basement.”

Again, a newspaper columnist relates the hunting chimpanzees to memories of childhood Planet of the Apes nightmares. This one takes a dig at the Bush twins, for no apparent reason.

He's a Beast!

Dutch zoos celebrate three gorilla pregnancies with the same father.

small, angry men with hairy faces and burning feet

Our ape-like ancestors had short, stumpy, legs because prehistoric chicks dug it.

“serious nightmares”

Columnist relives childhood “Planet of the Apes“ fears upon hearing of chimpanzees using sharp sticks for hunting.

Microcebus danfossi

Buying a species.

Call him Dr. Furry!

First human instances of pubic lice acquired from gorillas, depraved scientist asserts.

Marketing 101

If this monkey wanted to invent a food supplement, he'd choose a name that didn't sound like dog food.

“whose head is a philosopher”

Monkeys “rewarded” during behavior research suffer inhumane loss of dignity, says nutters in Switzerland's Federal Veterinary Office.

“I've never run as fast in my entire life”

English Rugby League player Paul Deacon menaced by Thai monkeys on honeymoon.

“an absolute miracle”

Mountain gorilla birth recorded in Congo.

“feeding him every two hours”

Gollum, ring-tailed lemur rejected by mother, adopted by staff at Britain's Blair Drummond Safari Park.

“Tigers start eating meat when they're three months old”

Indonesian zoo plays host to playful pals infant tiger twins and infant orangutan pair: “it will have to end soon“.

Recipe for orangutan with Rijsttafel  omitted.

“Zambrono and Tol”

Twin cotton-top tamarins born at Britain's Marwell Zoo.

“what a memorable visit”

The Senator and the gorillas.

“threw them at the crowd”

Bill the chimpanzee, elderly chimpanzee at California's Sequoia Park Zoo, keeps dung-flinging aim in practice with zoo-supplied snowballs.

“bit and scratched a kindergarten pupil”

Students at Singapore's German European School mugged by macaques.

“a scientific adviser to Great Ape Trust of Iowa”

Iowa State University anthropology professor claims to document chimpanzees using spears in hunting.

“unscrupulous persons had been disturbing the monkeys”

Local people enlisted to protect animals at Ghana's Boabeng-Fiema Monkey sanctuary.

“a pattern across Asia”

Singapore to take steps against monkeys.

“prosecution denied having any hand in the presence of the monkey”

Delhi monkey proves no respecter of the law.

“this beautiful Brazilian monkey”

The Philadelphia Zoo unveils a new baby golden lion tamarin. Standards of beauty differ.

Lophocebus albigena

New monkey species announced in Uganda quickly followed by announcement of its endangered status.

Waiter!

Two dead monkeys found afloat in water tank at New Delhi's All India Institute of Medical Sciences Cardio-Neuro Centre. Puts me right off my Cup-a-Soup!

Update: This story says “did not have any dead monkey in it” so maybe it was too good to be true.

“looks like bear's hind paw”

Bigfoot believers climb on Spotsylvania apelike foot story a day late and a dollar short.

“diseases, pathogens and deleterious substances”

Fate of 300 monkeys captured by the Delhi Government to be decided by Delhi High Court, India's Supremes say.

“an ape that craves public attention”

Little Joe, Boston's now escape-proofed gorilla to go back on display. Nothing can go wrong!

Monkeys smarter than keepers!

The Los Angeles Zoo paid $4,500 to an expert in the ancient Chinese art of feng shui.

“this is different”

Coming soon to a zoo near you: animal sex shows for Valentine's Day. Would have wowed Caligula, I bet.

“about the size of cantaloupes”

Ancient chimpanzees tool-users, scientists speculate.

One-legged monkey sought

Foot found in VA landfill described as “apelike”.

Without a monkey

A stake in the ground, presumably of interest to no one but me: TOS 2.0 was very good to me last night. I had to work, so all I could do was buy and hold for two episodes (The Immunity Syndrome and A Piece of the Action) without even an adjustment after reading EC results before WC ran. I chose to play very conservative, and, after reading the episodes at Memory Alpha I bought all the UHU I could. Best investment I could have made: CHP was fractionally higher but started at a higher price, so I couldn't have started with as much.
272k earned 624k and rank went up from #141 to #43. A useless endeavor, I know, but amusing, and well worth the (lack absence of) price.

“it's our heritage”

Hartlepool Monkey statue called for.

“Coming to the rescue of the monkeys”

Court in New Delhi insists on letting monkeys be monkeys. Don't stand too close.

“to live in a monkey enclosure”

Contestants at zoo in China vie to survive “the lack of freedom the animals have”.

“they engage in a lot of sexual behavior”

Iowa's Blank Park Zoo to host Valentine's Day dinner / educational lecture on monkey mating.

“It screeched bloody murder”

Unlike smoke alarms, a helper monkey requires no battery.

“He never even visited the island...”

"Monkeyfishing" fraudster confesses all. New York Times, not so much.

“things couldn’t be going better”

Asha, gorilla at Colorado's Cheyenne Mountain Zoo welcomes a birth.

“Setsubun”

Gorillas at Tokyo zoo pelted with roast soya beans for good luck.

Such a strange flower

Jane Goodall, florist.

“promises to save people from simian terror”

Partisan monkeys to influence Indian state assembly elections.

“died in 1958 of intestinal parasites”

The animals at St. Louis Zoo are old and getting older. (Which is good, when they stop getting older, then you have cause to worry.)

A dud vasectomy!

40-year-old chimpanzee gives birth in Chinp Haven shocker, despite apparent absence of fertile males.

The are Some Things Man was Not Meant to Know

Experiments on monkeys at the Medical University of Ohio violated protocols, says Stop Animal Exploitation Now, ad-hoc AR loons.

The Fix is In

Bears to win the Superbowl, says Oregon prognosticator, Inji the orangutan.

“through May 13”

Goodall-themed 'Discovering Chimpanzees' exhibit opens at Miami's Metrozoo.

“they can be extremely vicious”

Fresno's Chaffee Zoo looks to furf out its aging Chimpanzee squad, including serial dung-flinger Bosco.

“at the original Nathan's Famous hot dog stand”

Boston general manager Theo Epstein, who owns a gorilla costume and, it seems, a mustard-stained tuxedo, married in secret ceremony

“monkeys run amok, proliferate, pillage”

Japanese farmers pay the price for protected monkeys in Aomori Prefecture.

“proceeded to urinate on Sienna’s back”

Former popette Sienna Miller poses with overamorous monkey.

“brought here as pets by the French in the 17th century”

Agricultural production in St. Kitts menaced by “the huge and ever increasing population of monkeys that wander the country side”.

“a warning to airmen and their families”

Air Force captures snow monkey in cage. Democrats demand exit strategy.

“to donate to children up to age 12”

oil for monkeys plan a go!

“And their many, many teeth”

Dr. Dork tempts fate in the form of potentially rabid monkeys.

“it does not sound promising”

Australian monkey-impersonator plans one-man show.

“sawed off at the ankles”

They stole Bigfoot's feet.

“Paleontologists discover most primitive primate skeleton”

Fossil of sabre-tooth lemur uncovered.

“dead animals were scattered on the blood-soaked ground”

Monkeys among the victims in central Baghdad bomb attack.

“stolen Monday from a chiropractic office”

Carving of Bigfoot swiped in Washington as crimewave continues,

“part of a European breeding programme”

Watching a young gibbon grow in Sussex .

“space monkey”

“no one wins when youths choke themselves”, declares newspaper.

“wrung out a sponge and scrubbed down the fridge”

He's a very clean old man monkey.

“keeping a primate as a pet is not a good idea”

Rabies shots for Louisiana boy in lemur attack.

“improper care and inhumane deaths”

Animal Welfare Act violator penalized at University of Connecticut Health Center.

“to feature polar bears and seals”

Wine king Brown-Forman to add Glacier Run to Louisville Zoo's Gorilla Forest.

“research misconduct ”

Falsehood in embryonic stem cell research further charged.

“this is a serious artistic project”

Monkeys not fooled by Canadian artist's plans to make 1,000-foot-long helium-filled-banana float over the Texas sky.

Exercise your right!

Don't blame me: I voted for Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Press.

Brachiation's best!

Science fiction author calls for humanity to abandon upright locomotion, return to the trees, for the sake of the Earth.

“it’s best we don’t monkey around with it at this point”

Officials say some things Man not meant to know as sinkhole grows in Springfield, MO.

“Neighbors who live down the hill from Charlton Heston”

Dr. Zaius finds cohorts.

“how chimps have been exploited and mutilated by biomedical research”

Animal Rights for the masses.

What could go wrong?

Gorilla Pumpkin Hunt, your kids, and wine-tasting for the parents!

“Eating endangered or threatened species like gorilla and chimpanzee”

Lunch plans change as New York cracks down on non-USDA ethnic delicacies.

Strictly voluntary, really

Australian plan: over the next month, 24 people will be locked up, six at a time, in the old orangutan enclosure at the Adelaide Zoo.

“it’s been urinated on, it’s garbage”

Your no-longer-needed fur coat can warm a rehabilatated animal and assuage your guilty New York conscience almost as much as using it to strangle a conservative judge would.

Stop me if you've heard this one

A thief wearing a gorilla costume walks into a Minneapolis store...

“enjoying a new life”

Spongebob the squirrel monkey celebrates the New Year.