“It screeched bloody murder”

Unlike smoke alarms, a helper monkey requires no battery.

“He never even visited the island...”

"Monkeyfishing" fraudster confesses all. New York Times, not so much.

“things couldn’t be going better”

Asha, gorilla at Colorado's Cheyenne Mountain Zoo welcomes a birth.

“Setsubun”

Gorillas at Tokyo zoo pelted with roast soya beans for good luck.

Such a strange flower

Jane Goodall, florist.

“promises to save people from simian terror”

Partisan monkeys to influence Indian state assembly elections.

“died in 1958 of intestinal parasites”

The animals at St. Louis Zoo are old and getting older. (Which is good, when they stop getting older, then you have cause to worry.)

A dud vasectomy!

40-year-old chimpanzee gives birth in Chinp Haven shocker, despite apparent absence of fertile males.

The are Some Things Man was Not Meant to Know

Experiments on monkeys at the Medical University of Ohio violated protocols, says Stop Animal Exploitation Now, ad-hoc AR loons.

The Fix is In

Bears to win the Superbowl, says Oregon prognosticator, Inji the orangutan.

“through May 13”

Goodall-themed 'Discovering Chimpanzees' exhibit opens at Miami's Metrozoo.

“they can be extremely vicious”

Fresno's Chaffee Zoo looks to furf out its aging Chimpanzee squad, including serial dung-flinger Bosco.

“at the original Nathan's Famous hot dog stand”

Boston general manager Theo Epstein, who owns a gorilla costume and, it seems, a mustard-stained tuxedo, married in secret ceremony

“monkeys run amok, proliferate, pillage”

Japanese farmers pay the price for protected monkeys in Aomori Prefecture.

“proceeded to urinate on Sienna’s back”

Former popette Sienna Miller poses with overamorous monkey.

“brought here as pets by the French in the 17th century”

Agricultural production in St. Kitts menaced by “the huge and ever increasing population of monkeys that wander the country side”.

“a warning to airmen and their families”

Air Force captures snow monkey in cage. Democrats demand exit strategy.

“to donate to children up to age 12”

oil for monkeys plan a go!

“And their many, many teeth”

Dr. Dork tempts fate in the form of potentially rabid monkeys.

“it does not sound promising”

Australian monkey-impersonator plans one-man show.

“sawed off at the ankles”

They stole Bigfoot's feet.

“Paleontologists discover most primitive primate skeleton”

Fossil of sabre-tooth lemur uncovered.

“dead animals were scattered on the blood-soaked ground”

Monkeys among the victims in central Baghdad bomb attack.

“stolen Monday from a chiropractic office”

Carving of Bigfoot swiped in Washington as crimewave continues,

“part of a European breeding programme”

Watching a young gibbon grow in Sussex .

“space monkey”

“no one wins when youths choke themselves”, declares newspaper.

“wrung out a sponge and scrubbed down the fridge”

He's a very clean old man monkey.

“keeping a primate as a pet is not a good idea”

Rabies shots for Louisiana boy in lemur attack.

“improper care and inhumane deaths”

Animal Welfare Act violator penalized at University of Connecticut Health Center.

“to feature polar bears and seals”

Wine king Brown-Forman to add Glacier Run to Louisville Zoo's Gorilla Forest.

“research misconduct ”

Falsehood in embryonic stem cell research further charged.

“this is a serious artistic project”

Monkeys not fooled by Canadian artist's plans to make 1,000-foot-long helium-filled-banana float over the Texas sky.

Exercise your right!

Don't blame me: I voted for Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Press.

Brachiation's best!

Science fiction author calls for humanity to abandon upright locomotion, return to the trees, for the sake of the Earth.

“it’s best we don’t monkey around with it at this point”

Officials say some things Man not meant to know as sinkhole grows in Springfield, MO.

“Neighbors who live down the hill from Charlton Heston”

Dr. Zaius finds cohorts.

“how chimps have been exploited and mutilated by biomedical research”

Animal Rights for the masses.

What could go wrong?

Gorilla Pumpkin Hunt, your kids, and wine-tasting for the parents!

“Eating endangered or threatened species like gorilla and chimpanzee”

Lunch plans change as New York cracks down on non-USDA ethnic delicacies.

Strictly voluntary, really

Australian plan: over the next month, 24 people will be locked up, six at a time, in the old orangutan enclosure at the Adelaide Zoo.

“it’s been urinated on, it’s garbage”

Your no-longer-needed fur coat can warm a rehabilatated animal and assuage your guilty New York conscience almost as much as using it to strangle a conservative judge would.

Stop me if you've heard this one

A thief wearing a gorilla costume walks into a Minneapolis store...

“enjoying a new life”

Spongebob the squirrel monkey celebrates the New Year.

But it does repeat on ya!

Cloned meat and milk to be declared safe by FDA.

“The monkeys fought back”

Texas pets, Opie and another monkey, tortured during home burglary.

“Wah, wow, hoo!”

Beware the plaintive song of the gibbon.

“photos and video of Samson when he was alive.”

25 after his death, Samson the Gorilla debuts at Ohio's Milwaukee Zoo.

“the forests where they naturally occur is disappearing”

Cotton top tamarins births reported at Australia's National Zoo and Aquarium.

“administering a banana laced with sedatives”

Indian youths accused of slipping a monkey a monkey and fixing him in a curry.

“better technical aspects, expertise, experience and putting the lowest bid”

Mumbai India's Byculla Zoo scheduled for major refurbishment

“That would include zookeepers”

Canada says “no thanks” to blood donations from professional monkey-handlers

“given a fertility drug”

MSM's failure to respect gorilla's privacy.

“Roots and Shoots youth leaders”

“Worldwide Youth Network Raises $40,000 to Help Orphan Chimpanzees in Africa&rdquo: we've been doing a first-class job orphaning chimpanzees without your help, thanks just the same!

“monkey cloning is important”

If South Korea suffers a monkey shortage, science will be ready to help.

“Animation fans everywhere are a little sadder today”

William Hanna, one of the founders of Hanna-Barbera, famous for Scooby-Doo (and Magilla Gorilla) dead at 95

“a burglary at the Captive Life Forms in Henrietta”

New York man offers reward for return of his family friend's tiny marmoset.

Update: Home safe

“ignoring Suzy in favor of the monkey”

Dear Abby reader: Mrs. Butinski Nosey Nebbish: stand up!

“create a society of which we can be proud”

Let's hurry up and surrender, it always worked in the past.

“He can survive anything”

Tarzan to get another turn.

“bombs away”

The habits of various animals disposing of their dung is considered.

“prosimians, not monkeys”

December 14 is officially Monkey Day!

and what about George Allen?

PETA demands ban on ownership of “macaca” monkeys in Wayne County, North Carolina, because of herpes B danger.

“...mortality rate of 70 percent”

Beware: exotic pets unsafe for your health!

“a happy day”

Amazing Animal Productions Inc chimpanzees to retire, to acclaim of animal rights pressure group and tame primatologists, who continue to pay undergraduates with Primate Chow and fish-sticks.

“more than a million years younger than earlier estimates”

“Little Foot” Australopithecine not human ancestor, scientist says.

Even the weather report is biased extreme left!

I wonder why this editorial isn't signed. Fear of having to stand behind it someday?

Unperson

Michael Crichton's latest novel Next and its orangutan narrator declared politically unsound due to previous novel, State of Fear's, failure to endorse global warming.

Update: Senators Rockefeller and Snowe to sponsor heresy trials.

“one of Africa’s last great untouched wildernesses”

Christmas vacation anong the chimpanzees in the National Park in Gabon.

“elephants, hyenas and baboons have wreaked havoc”

Life worsens for Kenya villagers.

“government debacles”

Rep. Henry Waxman (D-CA), rooting for truffles, Joe Lieberman (I-CT), not as harmless as he looks: politicos to watch in the coming year.

“chimpanzees have funeral rites and take away the bodies ”

Scientists ponder southeast Guinea's chimpanzee epidemic.

“threatened species like gorilla and chimpanzee”

“Bush-meat” draws ire of New York food-safety inspectors.

“But he was a fun drunk”

You'll have to aim low if you mean to spit back at Danny DeVito.

Update: George Clooney trots the chunder trail with Danny in impression of F. Scott and Zelda.

“whether you are descended from a Rhesus monkey, or just a plain Chimp”

Australia's man on the street.

Watch the sky. Keep watching the sky.

Congo gorillas imperiled by erupting volcano.

“the difference between the naked ape and the hairy ape”

Australia's Adelaide Zoo to add human enclosure to other great apes.

“on their native island of Borneo,”

48 ex-kickboxing orangutans repatriated from Thailand.

“delayed due to lack of travel documents.”

Thailand's Chiang Mai Night Safari Zoo agrees to return borrowed orangutans to their home in Indonesia. Eventually.

“auctioning the works to raise money”

Art by Janey, San Diego Zoo's painting orang-utan, is covered.

“a special program to raise funds”

North Carolina Zoo Society $45 “adoption” package includes plush chimpanzee, chimpanzee photograph, gift card and adoption certificate and funds toys, treats and training for chimpanzees and keepers.

“permission to euthanize animals deemed too sick or too injured to be rehabilitated”

Seven ex-OSU chimpanzees have been removed from Primarily Primates in San Antonio, TX for a court-ordered move to Chimp Haven in Shreveport, LA.

“their brains were slightly larger than ours”

Meet your Neanderthal relatives.

“last month, she pulled the alarm for the first time”

Panbanisha, Great Ape Trust of Iowa's bonobo, activates fire alarm again. Promised work on covering alarms to prevent repetition still pending.

“great care is taken to prepare goodies and sweets for the chimps”

Chimp Haven, a Louisiana facility that cares for retired medical-research chimpanzees, is portrayed.

“probably won’t be rescheduled”

“Today Show” and Colorado’s Cheyenne Mountain Zoo can't come to terms on agenda for news feature.

“The monkey of excessive profits is off the back of owners”

Another opportunity for readers to enjoy the benefits of buying their local newspaper.

“this one that really came out great”

Phoenix (Arizona) zoo orangutan and baby.

“a remarkable recovery”

Disabled ape Allie the orangutan making great strides at Great Ape Trust of Iowa.

“They could survive or even thrive in this type environment”

Stories of monkeys running free in the Louisiana woods are mocked.

“aggressive or playful”

Ben, 21-year-old male gorilla at Florida 's Jacksonville Zoo and Gardens, drowns in a moat during gorilla horseplay.

“jumped ship somewhere near the balmy climes”

China Shipping Lines monkey still missing.

“Now she will jump down on your lap and wait for you to do the same thing to her”

Life with a “Helping Hands” helper monkey is detailed.

Hmph! Cladists, I bet!!

Scientists view gorillas as possible HIV vector.

“Dumadi, which translates to "becoming" in an Indonesian language”

Father helps name motherless little orangutan.

“an attempt to identify the vicious animal”

Apparent monkey deemed a “small brown blur” threat to Sydney docking of Chinese container ship.

“estimated that in all 1,000 orangutans had died”

Dry season a bad time for Indonesia's orangutans.

Mad? You call me mad??

Idaho State University professor of anatomy, Jeffrey Meldrum, scorned for his unconventional views on Bigfoot, as seen on Discovery Channel.

“All of The Zoo’s chimps are accounted for”

Santa Rosa, FL, Sheriff’s Office on the lookout for mystery chimpanzee.

“and a black cape”

Ashtabula, OH, convenience store robbed by man wearing gorilla mask. (Or by gorilla wearing gorilla mask!)

“They will not step in our house and take that monkey”

Jake the monkey's new owner undaunted
by the first of what will be many, many monkey bites.