Only Nixon could go to China. Look what he brought back!

Atico International USA Recalls Bamboo Torches Due to Laceration Hazard

“ongoing monkey mayhem”

Mumbai monkeys injuring old ladies and stealing cellphones.

“fed a totally inappropriate diet”

UK marmoset is rescued from a diet of chocolate and marshmallows.

“It's just a cute little monkey on a tether”

Woman requires hospitalization after monkey attack in the Catskills

“so as not to trigger a hunt for them”

Lemurs who fled from their Austrian home in Salzburg's Hellbrunn zoo turn up in an area bar five days later.

“games involve rules”

Either GreenFudge.org is right and zoo gorillas play tag or these self-esteem majors can't recognize a round of grab-ass when they see it.

“she accidentally pressed the gas pedal”

Disabled driver drives into Nebraska City gift shop by hitting the wrong pedal while watching her helper monkey instead of the road.

“some patients naturally panicked and fled the hospital”

Four monkeys found dead in hospital’s overhead water tank in Agra, India.

Pepsi-capitalism

Horror of horrors: scienceblogs.com bloggers discover it's not the anarcho-syndicalist worker's collective they've assumed it was.

Update: Asylum chooses to henceforth be run by the inmates. Science!

“creating trouble for the residents”

Trouble-making monkey dies of electrocution after touching high tension wires in Gaushala Bazaar in India's Phagwara town.

Only Nixon could go to China. Look what he brought back!

Felt Bicycles Recalls Bicycles Due to Fall Hazard

“the smallest monkeys in the world”

Curraghs Wildlife Park in Ballaugh, on the Isle of Man, welcomes two pairs of pygmy marmosets. So, there's your vacation plans all made for you!

“had her throat slit after she was bound and gagged”

Ymke Warren, a British gorilla expert, reportedly has been murdered at her home in Cameroon.