Wednesday, May 31, 2006

“A fed baboon is a dead baboon”

Please don't feed the baboons!

“to instill an appreciation for and respect of the apes”

Great Ape Trust of Iowa begins offering free tours, attendance by apes not mandatory.

“has even tried to seduce women visitors”

Ivo, gorilla at Germany's Berlin Zoo, still still without issue.

“will not obtain or breed any nonhuman primate for any purpose”

Minnesota Primate Freedom Project schedules protest at University of Minnesota against the use of nonhuman primates in research.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

“One female and two male”

Three black and white ruffed lemurs born at California's Sacramento Zoo.

“He looks like King Kong”

Ape and monkey fun at Indiana's Fort Wayne Children’s Zoo.

“Only humans and some apes are allergic to poison ivy”

One more reason for our nearest relatives to fear Al Gore.

“rats were subjected to memory tests and were forced to swim”

Peta loons applaud Welch's decision to discontinue animal testing of future grape-juice products, begin testing on your offspring, Timmy & little Zygote.

“author of "Cast a Giant Shadow"”

Ted Berkman, writer of “Bedtime for Bonzo,” dead at 92.

Monday, May 29, 2006

“I trust animals more than humans”

Louis Leakey's daughter-in-law Lynne visits Rhode Island to drum up travel agency business.

“contrarian evolutionary thinkers”

Last seen in these pages in March, 2004, University of Pittsburgh tenure-dweller Jeffrey Schwartz still insists yunsers evolved from orangutans, not chimpanzees, evidence be damned!

Speaking Maoism to yellow running-dogs!

Apparent political filtering in Google News doesn't restrict the Revolutionary Communist Party. (*)

Sunday, May 28, 2006

“It will use as few monkeys as possible”

Medical University of South Carolina to study learning and memory in rhesus monkeys as part of work on Alzheimer's and Parkinson's.

“An ice cream-eating contest will be held at 2 p.m.”

Statue of Bill the chimpanzee at California's Sequoia Park Zoo to be unveiled today yesterday.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Friday, May 26, 2006

“their methodology is highly questionable”

Proposal of new genus for kipunji monkey (Rungwecebus kipunji ?)  is disputed. Long-simmering tensions between geneticists and claddists threaten open warfare at any moment.

“non-sightings rarely occur”

Uganda's $360 gorilla-viewing permits will now be guaranteed: see gorillas or your money back.

“Dad carries the babies most of the time”

Two golden lion tamarins born at New York's Binghamton Zoo.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

“We definitely are in dire need of some funds”

Kansas's loss is Texas's gain, or it will be if $150k turns up. Why can't George Soros use his shadowy foreign fortune for niceness, like this, instead of evil, like Kos appearing on the TV while I'm trying to eat?

“Monkey say bye”

They did it! The bastards finally did it! Damn you all! Damn you all to hell!!

(And, what's American Idol?)

“The epidemic took off in Kinshasa, in Brazzaville”

AIDS origin in Cameroon chimpanzees, researchers say.

“change the colour of the wall of the Chimpanzee's enclosure”

India's Mysore Zoo enlists internationally reputed Zoo consultant currently engaged in developing Zoos in Pakistan, Abu Dhabi and Canada to prepare a plan.

Goodbye, Pogo

Pogo, 48-year-old gorilla at San Francisco Zoo, dead of apparent old age.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

“ticks tend to go for warm moist parts of the body in adults”

UK health officials advise people to make like an ape and check for ticks, to ward off lyme disease. Tick disposal techniques are left up to you.

“five in just 10 days”

Killing of baboons in South Africa continues. Government action promises unintended consequences in a big way.

“polio vaccines tainted with SV40 between 1955 and 1963”

Simian Virus 40(SV40) implicated in non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

“he compared his hirsute looks to the real gorillas”

Tarzan star does a little publicity at Bronx Zoo's Congo Gorilla Forest.

A birthday case of bar scotch from Teddy Kennedy

Remove all of the benefits associated with being a Democrat.”

“The committees didn't use the input of a single primatologist”

Swiss Ethics Committee on Non-human Biotechnology and the Swiss Committee on Animal Experiments recommendeds total ban on experiments involving great apes, severe restrictions on experiments involving other primates.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

“unlikely roommates”

South Dakota's Great Plains Zoo adds three squirrel monkeys (and an anteater)

Monday, May 22, 2006

“The apes are everywhere”

Reporter reports iPod lost to a Barbary Ape.

“we will not have anything on which to test”

Uganda fears gorilla shortage, but admits they don't know the population, or location.

“simple table wine”

Monkeys and apes at Budapest Zoo enjoy the health benefits of wine.

Fixed link

“the regal and solemn gorillas”

A couple column-inches of filler on the Los Angeles Zoo.

This week in astronomy

May 28, 1959: Monkeys in space!

“Nearly every macaque monkey in captivity carries the herpes-b virus”

Captive Primate Safety Act will ban interstate transportation of apes, monkeys, lemurs, marmosets, and other nonhuman primates for the pet trade.

“Thailand has promised to send several orangutans back”

Indonesia's efforts to retrieve their orangutans continue.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

“It was pretty stinky and it was bright orange”

An early apprenticeship in baboon scat leads to bigger and better things in wolverine scat.

Arias in the Mist

After their successes with operas based on Muhammad Ali and on Helen Thomas, Kentucky Opera's VISIONS program unveils the operatic version of gorilla researcher Dian Fossey in one act, through the magic of tax dollars. you're yelling

Tumai's remains given to “Great Ape Aging Project

“stems from misunderstandings”

Bioethicist thinks right for apes is a swell & dandy idea.

Update: Zoe Brain thinks so, too.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

“an ordinary person who suffered microcephaly”

Via Archaeology in Europe, the Hobbits of Flores are debunked.

Update: Rebunking begun.

“like a bunch of gangsters that have come to taunt us”

Hard feelings about South Africa's house-invading baboons, and about those killing baboons in response.

“she picks fights with him”

MJ, an orangutan at Ohio's Toledo Zoo, receives physical therapy for a shoulder injury she got last October while rough-housing with her half brother.

“Tumai died of heart disease”

Necropsy on Tumai, gorilla who died while in transit to Pennsylvania's Erie Zoo, determines that this was not a well ape, if an asymptomatic one.

Friday, May 19, 2006

“no one has ever made any attempt to visit him or provide any assistance”

Threat of lawsuits in Sierra Leone chimpanzee rampage.

Goodbye, Tumai

Tumai, 21-year-old lowland gorilla, dies while being flown from Memphis Zoo to Pennsylvania's Erie Zoo.

Update: Jinx!

“A young rhesus macaque...middle-aged”

Rhesus macaque rescued in Singapore in 2004 to be “repatriated to India”.

“water cannot cut fruit”

In addition to yesterday's news that apes can plan (and plot?), Sissy Willis sends a pointer to this article from Harvard that refutes David Hume and shows monkeys reasoning cause-and-effect.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Cebus queirozi

Brazilian scientists claim new monkey species find in the rainforest.

The baboon whisperer?

From South Africa's Hermanus Times:
An internationally renowned animal communicator will be holding a workshop at Glencairn this weekend to help people understand the gentler side of the controversial chacma baboons of Klein Slangkop. Maybe some of our locals should attend.

“Chimpanzee kills one month old baby”

Another death at chimpanzee hands, in Sierra Leone.

“She broke her finger shortly after she was born”

Denver Zoo shows off their favorite brawler, a baby Howler Monkey, visible through now in the nursery.

Update: Less a finger!

“figuring out an ape's intentions isn't a cinch”

Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology reasearchers find foresight among apes. They're just biding their time!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

“no prosecution can be instituted at this time”

South African baboons being illegally shot.

Update: Maybe there will be prosecution.

“the largest operating wood carousel built since the '30's”

As your prehistoric ancestors did, you'll be able to ride the ape at the new carousel at Chicago's Brookfield Zoo.

“syntax-like natural communication system in a non-human species”

British scientists study how monkeys combine calls to form "sentences." How to say "Look behind you, a bear!" not determined.

“this went on for about four million years”

Harvard and MIT researchers find evidence of interbreeding between human & chimpanzee ancestors!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

“repairs to a hot water heater”

Monkey, cats, killed in Gaithersburg, MD, townhouse blaze.

No monkeys involved

Casablanca in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies.

Monday, May 15, 2006

“my hands are full of bite marks”

Monkeys go to school in Malaysia to learn how to pick coconuts.

“It forced an immediate evacuation of the park”

Rebuilt gorilla enclosure at Utah's Hogle Zoo working just fine. Wolf enclosure, though, that'll need some work.

“harmony was temporarily disturbed”

Barbary macaque killed and eaten by bears at Holland's Beekse Bergen Safari Park.

Update: PDF with Dutch text and clear color photos of bears killing and eating monkey.

Further: UK rewrite.

“He has developed a fine set of teeth”

First birthday for Namoki, gorilla at UK's Bristol Zoo Gardens

“the vase was restored Monday”

Taj Mahal vandalized by monkey!

Sunday, May 14, 2006

“Winky, a 39-year-old Capuchun (sic)  Monkey”

Police in Roanoke, Virginia, recapture fleeing Capuchin Monkey.

“Goodbye primates, hello planet”

Jane Goodall's plans for world domination glimpsed. It's a secular tranzi paradise!

“Blaine would run across a Bengal tiger - and it would eat him”

Horribly pruned illusionist David Blaine, hoping for recovery, plans next stunt playing at Tarzan up a Sundari tree.

“The menu in Diitabiki includes rice, mangos, monkey meat, wild boar and agouti”

Surinamese finally take advantage of 40 years of "and if you're ever in our country, you'll stay with us." *

Saturday, May 13, 2006

“attacked and pulled down twelve-feet from the terrace of his house”

A man in India, attacked at his home by a monkey last month, has died of his injuries.

“Our neighbour had heard that the poor monkeys in Melbourne might not get their bananas”

Banana prices skyrocket in Australia, monkeys hardest hit.

“They will say the pictures are phony”

Is there sufficient market for two photos-of-Bigfoot books? Who'll publish first?

“I think the monkey was really weak”

Pakistan's Lahore Zoo loses monkey to undisclosed illness.

“agricultural officials were pelted with manure”

Firestorm Shitstorm erupts in Maine over government's plan for mandatory registration of farm animals.

“a Jew-baiter, fascist and traitor to his own country”

Ezra Pound, let's pretend that national socialism, international socialism, and transnational socialism are aren't the same thing waving different-colored flags!

“a silverback gorilla, named Babec, and the pacemaker that saved his life”

Foundation for Biomedical Research hands out 2005-2006 Michael E. DeBakey Journalism Awards “to inspire exceptional, outstanding, and ongoing news coverage of biomedical research that involves laboratory animals”.

Friday, May 12, 2006


Name chosen from short list for colobus monkey at Michigan's Binder Park Zoo.

“at least five times as strong as a man”

The Tacugama Chimpanzee Sanctuary and St. James Davis chimpanzee attacks are remembered.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

“trying to steal monkeys from a pet shop”

12-year prison sentences for three Animal Rights fanatics in UK grave-robbing case.

ISPCA to the rescue!

Irish mechanic rescues dehydrated and traumatised monkey from filthy cage in a van belonging to a travelling show.

There's splitters about!

Genus Lophocebus split!! Rungwecebus kipunji  created!!! Lumpers outraged!!!!

Update: Wasting no time, Rungwecebus kipunji  declared an endangered species

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

‘Kennedy curse’ explained

A study carried out in monkeys has found that long-term alcohol consumption can affect the turnover of immune system cells in the intestine...”

“Leave us alone you filthy apes or I’ll sick Charlton Heston on you”

Taunting the monkeys of Devil’s Island, for spite's sake.

“Hu, hoo, hu, hoo”

New head of Kyoto University's Primate Research Institute knows his way around a chimpanzee.

“This is their choice. It is their body”

The loss of a lucky charm, a mummified baby monkey, leads to the mummification of a deceased newborn son.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

“monkeys have stolen all my fruit”

Indonesian monkeys, protesting tourism downturn due to volcano fears, abandon forest homes for villages and farms.

“monkeys stumble and fall, sway, and vomit”

National Institutes of Health Animal Center in Maryland gets monkeys drunk. For science!

Impending green paradigm shift!

Conservation Biology  says roads bad, multinational corporations good.

Monday, May 08, 2006

“Sprinklers have been installed in the cages of the animals”

Monkeys with popsicles stave off a heat wave at a zoo in Gwalior, India.

“the same press release every year”

Peta loons pester University of California Davis California National Primate Research Center.

They can hurt you so many ways

Mad scientist at New Zealand's University of Canterbury plans android chimpanzee.

“News Briefs from Sierra Leone”

Dissident chimpanzees from Tacugama Chimpanzee Sanctuary are implicated in the serious wounding of an elementary school teacher.

“missing two fingers on his left hand, thanks to a 170-pound chimpanzee”

Growing pains at Iowa's 40-year-old Blank Park Zoo are remembered.

“the apes and the monkeys are quite friendly”

Son of former head keeper at Edinburgh Zoo reminisces.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

“born on Mother's Day last year”

Fruit cakes and PVC toys for birthday orangutan Acara at Utah's Hogle Zoo.

distilled whippet shit

At Heliopolis, Orson Welles's unhappy frozen pea ad is nearly matched by fourth Doctor Tom Baker's unhappy furniture ad.

What's all this then?

Police at Palolem-Canacona, India, free illegally-domesticated monkey.

“and actress Loretta Swit”

Peta loons in Texas court fight over monkey maintenance money.

Good behavior

Diademed sifaka at the newly-renamed Duke University Lemur Center lobbies for a nicer cage.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

“We never thought they could use sticks”

Ten dissident Sierra Leone chimpanzees, including Bruno, leader of the rebellion, reported still loose.

‘I began whimpering, "Please get off. Please get off me"’

Curing fuzzy monkey syndrome with a visit to Lopburi, Thailand.

“and Chi-Chi the monkey”

The entertaining past of Chicago's Pied Piper Land remembered.

“one of the world's most endangered primates”

Glacier's seasonal retreat occurs just in time for annual opening of Wisconsin's Menominee Park Zoo, now free.

“16,000 species of plants and animals”

If the Geneva-based World Conservation Union had a big fist-full of Euros for every species in danger of extinction, hey, call it a business plan!

Friday, May 05, 2006

“Western Lowland Gorillas”

Baby gorillas debut at the Bronx Zoo

“also enter lemurs’ cages at the Duke Lemur Center”

Parents who send their middle-school-aged daughters to Duke University’s weeklong Action Science Camp

Got some salt?

Two words: Monolith Monsters.

“monkeys do not have relationships with chickens”

Scott McClellan's farewell press conference.

“the first ever born at the zoo”

Two survivors among black and white lemur births at Attleboro, MA's, Capron Park Zoo.

“the tree's not going to make it”

Honolulu Zoo lemurs kept in lock-down for over four months by Arbor Day project run amok. AZA accreditation imperiled.

“such as the monkey, paca, and peccary”

Life, and dining, among Amazon dwellers, as seen by the Wilderness Classroom Organization.

“good homes with their own species”

Thirty-three monkeys from five species rescued from illegal bushmeat butchers in South Africa, shipped to US zoos.

“lock your doors and secure windows”

Tourist in Malaysia receives unwelcome visitors.

“they are very bad at inhibiting their aggression”

Sierra Leone's dissident chimpanzees still on the loose.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Boffo laffs!

Maybe if you'd diagram his funny, you wouldn't be alone in getting its, uh, jokiness. (via Instapundit)

“It looked at me and I froze”

Australian Rugby Union Flyhalf Brock James encounters a baboon in his hotel while visiting South Africa.

“A tree stump is something that you can't hide”

If there's one thing a gorilla loves to eat, it says, it's a rotten stump. In other news, that may bode poorly for predicting parasite infestation of gorilla-populated woodlands.

“I think it was a freak accident”

Dallas Zoo, betting that two years is long enough to forget, reopens gorilla exhibit.

“sometimes making wee-wee on my shoulder”

Deceased Milwaukee horror host remembered as a man with a monkey.

“like something out the PLANET OF THE APES”

Hollywood starlet Rachel Weisz: secret Lycanthropy sufferer.

“These experiments are sick”

Man-hating UK animal rights activists decry tests of long-term reproductive effects of soy milk on baby marmoset monkeys, demand they test on baby boys instead.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

“After all, it is public tax dollars”

California's Chaffee Zoo, its accreditation on reprieve and managed by its third director in three months, to get new master plan. First decision: chimpanzees must go!

“if conditions don't improve, they will file a complaint”

Animal rights yelpers complain about monkey mistreatment at the University of South Alabama's Primate Research Laboratory.

“chimpanzees cannot swim”

Gambia's Chimpanzee Rehabilitation Association assures locals and tourists that their chimps, sequestered safely on islands off-limits to visitors, won't run amok, like in Sierra Leone. Unless people get too close. People are reminded not to get too close.

“they had beards and pointed ears”

A Marxist reviews Chris Beard's The Hunt for the Dawn Monkey: Unearthing the Origins of Monkeys, Apes, and Humans. Anthropoid ancestors of Proletarians of all countries, unite!

Monday, May 01, 2006

“smeared with strawberry jam”

Joined birthday celebrations for pair of six-year-gorillas at Australia's Melbourne Zoo.

“to better understand and improve our relationship with the environment”

Jane Goodall remains mum on Sierra Leone chimpanzee insurrection, plans trip to Canada

“when they mature, they get really nasty”

Addition of monkeys, wolves, wolf-dogs to Maryland's list of banned exotic pets awaits only governor's signature.
The sponsor of Maryland's ban, Delegate Pauline Menes, said she didn't know of any Maryland deaths caused by wild pets, but she feared it could happen.
Criminalizion of running with scissors impending.